Am I over-reacting & accusing my fiance wrongly?
Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
I met my him online last year. We quickly became a couple tho work commitments only allowed us to see each other twice week (he works shifts & lives an hour drive away). We got on really well otherwise & have lots of things in common, aswell as having same age. A few months into relationship he told me he was a "bad" boy in the past - drinking & fighting, and that he is totally in love with me. I was a bit taken back with the love thing as we only got to know each other over a short while. I also got a bit worried about the drinking as when his shift ends, he used to open a couple of cans to help him sleep. We talked about it & he asked me to help him stop this habit - which he did (when he came over after his shifts), but I was still worried he might go back to drinking and I wasn't sure if he actually stopped chatting to past aquaintances (tho I deleted my online dating membership immediately). We had a bit of a strained time & even broke up during Christmas (he was verbally very nasty when he was out drinking with mates). But we made up - talked alot & last month he proposed. So now we are engaged & I thought all was going ok. But I still get these "feelings" which make me wonder if he is secretively up to something. He denies it & seems to always shift the blame to me. We both were cheated on in the past & are somewhat jealous at times. I usually get strange feelings before I realise s'thing is not right. But he said he wouldn't be with me if he wanted other women. And I said the same - that I wouldn't have accepted engeagement if I didn't want him or didn't trust him. So we just got over it & carry on with loving relationship (with the occaisional hiccup). BUT, I found myself urged to look at his mobile this morning only to see he received a new text. As I don't snoope, I don't know who sent it. But when he asked who text me this morning (my daughter did), and b/c I didn't respond, he accused me of being secretive again. To which I replied - "like you are with your text". To which he said he had no text & doesn't get text early in the mornings. Now I am asking myself, should I listen to my feelings or am I over-reacting. Why did he lie about the text? I don't think he is physically cheating but strongly believe he is still chatting online or by phone. What is your opinion on my "feelings"? Thanks.
These feelings are another form of jealousy. Jealousy, as you know, is very difficult to resolve especially when you have been cheated on in the past.
One thing to try is to keep your communications very open. It isn't easy for you since you don't have a lot of time together. But it is important to share your feelings. It doesn't have to be accusatory, but simple honesty. If both of you are sincerely in love (after all, you are engaged) then you should be able to talk about everything.
Even if he has a drink now and then or EVEN if he has a text with a woman you should love him enough to live with it. Of course, the text with a woman has to be innocent. If you put a tight rein on anybody they will naturally pull against it so neither of you should do that.
Use your feelings to help guide you for talking purposes.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com