My boyfriend has been avoiding me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi there...I'm a little confused by this guy I'm dating. We've been dating for a few months now and up to just a couple weeks ago everything was great. Our relationship started off very promising. He is actually someone I can see myself with in the long-term. He is almost 28 and I am 22.

During the time I've known him we've had severally misunderstandings because of communication problems. His phone is always messed up so I wasn't able to really speak to him. And there would be these long periods of time where we would not even see each other.

The times we spend together were great. He would always tell me that he had never been so affectionate with anyone else. I don't know if these were lines but deep down I felt that he wasn't lying to me. We have this amazing connection and so much in common.

A couple months ago, he stopped calling me and I had left him 3 messages. I decided to write him a letter telling him how I felt about him because I wanted him to know. That way I would know that I had said everything and just leave it up to him. When I went to give him the letter at his workplace, he told me that he had never gotten my messages and that he thought I wanted a break. I assured him that was not the case and gave him the letter. He called me the next day and we met during the next week. Everything was fine once again.
The last time I saw him was over 2 weeks ago. We had sex for the first time. He is the 2nd guy that I have been with and he knew sex was a very big deal to me. We had talked about a lot of things beforehand and he made sure that I was ready. It was a beautiful experience but it did hurt and I think that discouraged him.

I haven't seen him since. We talked on the phone a few times. The last time I talked to him I was mad because he had waited days before he returned my messages. He claimed that he didn't understand the messages. Since then I've called him a few times and left 2 messages. The last one was suggesting to him that we meet after my classes but he hasn't gotten back to me.

At this point I don't know what to do or think. All I know is that I'm hurt and confused.

I just wanted the chance to talk to him and tell him that we should try to at least set aside one day a week where we could see each other. I think the long gaps were causing the problems in our relationship. We didn't see each other nearly as often as we should. Another problem was I think he felt that I was too young for him. But from what I gather, I'm not like the girls he is used to dating.

I'm sorry to have rambled on for so long but I'm really upset. Any advice you can give on this situation would be appreciated. Advice
I know that he's had many, many excuses for you so far and that you've been trusting and believing them. But there has to come a point where you say to yourself, a relationship requires two active partners who are both committed to making it work. I can't make this relationship work all on my own.

Yes, he obviously has lots of phone problems. But there are many solutions if he WANTED to take them. Cell phones are really cheap. Public phones are even cheaper. His work probably has a phone. A new phone for his house would probably cost $15.

Instead he keeps blaming this house phone for all the problems in your relationship. He doesn't get messages. He loses messages. He shoudln't HAVE to be getting all these messages, he should be calling YOU at least half the time. But instead of waits for you to call, doesn't bother to get back to you and then when you track him down he says "Oh I assumed we were broken up."

I know it's hard when a relationship doesn't go the way you want it to, but I really think you have to accept here that he's just not interested in the relationship the way you are. It sounds very much like he's giving in to be nice to you but that he is not actively interested in this. I would give him a few weeks of space and see if he contacts you at all or shows interest in seeing you. If it IS to work, he has to be doing half of the effort here. It's about time for him to show that he can do that.

I have information on dealing with breakups here -

Take a lot of care of yourself and know that you went above and beyond the call of duty here to make it work. I know MANY people who are dating who are 8-10 or more years apart in age and they can easily work out wonderfully. So if he is incapable of doing his part to even TRY to make this work out, he really is not the guy that you deserve.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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