They Don't Think about Me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have a question about an issue that's been plaguing me and several of my friends.

Many times in relationships one of the two gets really busy, with work or school or in the case of me any my would-be girlfriend, both. I can understand that she is busy and I don't need to see her all the time, but it seems like I'm being dismissed. When she gets busy like this, the thoughtfulness takes a nosedive and I don't feel a part of her life.

And on the case of a couple friends of mine, who also have recently been bogged down with work, I never get a chance to see them. It's not that they don't have free time, but when they do they rarely spend it with me, primarily because I'm not beating down their door and demanding it.

Here's my predicament. One one hand I don't want to put pressure on my friends to spend time with me because I don't want the time we spend toghether to be forced. I want them relaxed and don't want to put any stress on them. But on the other hand, if I leave it soley to them, it seems like I'll NEVER get to see them.

And in the case of my would-be girlfriend, I find myself getting emotionally distant as a response to her dismissal of me and not paying me any attention. I want to make it better, but I don't want to whine that I'm getting shafted.

I'm completely lost here. Advice
Some people tend to be planners and other people tend to be goers-alongers. It's just the way things are. Some people love to plan parties. Other people love to go to parties but just aren't good at planning them. It's sort of silly to yell at the party-goers to tell them to throw more parties. If they're not good at it, they're not good at it! Some people are thrilled to throw parties all the time. Would you tell them to throw parties less often to "make it fair"?

This happens in relationships too. Some people are the callers. Some people are the talkers. Usually they end up in a match with someone who matches them well. If two people were both talkers and neither one ever called, the relationship would end pretty quickly. If two people are both callers they might overwhelm each other. So it might be working out well here that you do the calling and she does the talking.

Set up routines. Routines work well in these sorts of situaitons. For example I know a group of guys that gets together for a gaming sleepover every other weekend. It's not a matter of one guy doing all the calling and the others doing all the listening. The one planning guy set up the routine. Then they all just follow along. The "calling guy" reminds them each gaming weekend, but it's not like it's a chore. It's just what he does. The other 2 guys are happy to game, they're just not calling types. So they get the call, they're thrilled, and they all have fun.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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