Family vs. Fiance.Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
I will try to keep this as short as possible.
Basically, I have been in a relationship for 10 months with a 26 year old man. I am an 18 year old female.
This by definition confuses things.
Our relationship was wonderful other than the fact that he has depression that he will not use medication for, and also control issues. Everything came to a head about a month ago when my extended family came back to visit my family.
He and I were going through a very rough patch. He had sent me a not so nice text where he was upset I was going out with my cousin for coffee (major jealousy issues). My aunt read this text message without me asking..then I spilled out what had been going on over the past months. To keep this as short as possible. My parent's had had past conflict with my boyfriend and disliked him already. When this happened with my aunt, she told my mom.
I ended up breaking up with him that night. In no way did I handle it correctly. He begged me to come back, threatened suicide, and this went up and down. I then left town to go to a different state where I am attending school (we were supposed to move together). I stopped talking to him completely. Cut all ties at my family's instructions.
Sorry I had to give the past story to explain the present.
NOW, he and I are talking again. I felt so much better after talking to him. We had a lot of stuff we needed to share, and I should have done it before moving 2000 miles away. I love him. And I feel it is right to try this relationship with better communication. We have been talking for 2 weeks. And are going to try a long distant relationship. My family told me they would disown me if I got back together with him. So, they do not know.
He is trying really hard to keep his mood swings under raps.
I don't want to hurt him again by breaking it off. I don't really want to break it off. I want to move down their in about 6 months if all goes as planned. He has asked me to marry him (we were talking for a long while about this). I just do not know how to handle this piece with my family. I feel so torn, and confused. PLEASE advice would be greatly appreciated. I can't talk to anyone because of the situation.
There is one thing he must do and that is find some effective medication for his depression. This is not rocket science... the drugs are there for him. Let him know this is a deal-breaker for you. If he doesn't get the meds and take them then you are not going to move close to him.
It's going to be hard enough with your family against him... he should at least make the effort to improve himself. Getting married is out of the question. You are in college or soon to be and he has to get his act together before he deserves your attention. Maybe you feel sorry for him but that is not enough to make a lasting relationship.
If he won't get anti-depressives and take them then I side with your family and recommend that you drop him fast. If he cares for you the he should do it.
Good luck! George
p.s. don't call him a fiance yet... it is premature at your age.
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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