She never wants to see me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year and a half. We met in college and we were friends for about 6 months before we started seeing each other. Anyway, lately within the last 2 months things have been strange. We see each other less and less. Now i understand everyone's need for space. The thing is she wants lots and lots of space. It has got to a point where i am only seeing her on the weekends. I cant stand waiting a whole week to see her but this doesn't seem to bother her at all. We have had countless conversations and arguements about this. In fact it has been the BIGGEST problem through out our relationship.

When we was in college it wasn't so bad it has got a lot worse since we left. I told her that i wanted to see her nore than once a week. I just suggested twice a week but even this seems to be a chore for her. When we spend time together there is nothing wrong. We are all loved up and we are always kissing and hugging. However our sex life is practicly non existant but i am not to bothered about that because it still hurts her when we have sex.

The biggest problem is that i am sick and tired of being told no all the time. When i want to go out with her she always tells me "i'll have to see what comes up". That feels like she only wants to spend time with me when she has nothing better else to do. It's like i have to book an appointment with her every time.

Take today for example. I had an early day at university today. So i come home as quick as i could because i wanted to see her. Bear in mind my university is an hour and a half journey for me there and back. I called her when i got back and asked if i could go round there. She said no. She said that her house is really messy and that she had just woken up. When i phoned her it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I told her that i have been to your house when has been messy before. The thing is she keeps using this excuse. We had a big chat 2 or 3 weeks ago about this and i said that we both have to make more effort and meet each other in the middle. Its normally ok for a week or two then it falls back into the same old pattern. It is always me asking to see her. It is always me asking her to come round to me and it is always me trying to arrange to go out.

I just don't know what to do. I give her so much space. I dont think seeing her twice a week is taking her space away. i think it is me givng up more than she is Advice
It sounds like you began this relationship in a great way - that you got to be really good friends, eased into the dating and had a blast for about a year. But recently things started to change. You handled the beginning parts of the relationship wonderfully well. Now you just need to adjust and handle this part just as well.

All relationships go through different stages, you can read them here -

That new-love stage is really great and fun, but it doesn't last forever. After a while of being with someone you become more like 'best friends' and just kissing and hugging isn't enough to keep you interested. You actually have to ENJOY being with each other and doing things together.

It definitely is a warning sign that she isn't actively making efforts to be with you at all and is resisting your attempts to be with her. You need to work on becoming her friend again - someone she enjoys being with - and not an 'obligation' that she is required to spend time with.

Sit down and talk with her and brainstorm about things you both want to do - learn to speak German, go trail riding, go rollerblading, learn to play chess, whatever it is. And then start on one of those projects together. You'll spend time together doing things you both enjoy, and remind each other that you guys are fun friends who enjoy that time together.

I really doubt that 'messy room' etc. are real reasons. They sound like random excuses. I think the real issue is that she just doesn't see your visits as enjoyable and you need to help her find your time together as fun again.

On a last note, sex should NEVER be painful. You should really have her talk to a doctor and look into that.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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