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Break a vase, and the love that reassembles the fragments is stronger than that love which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole. -- Derek Walcott



Having Space in a Relationship



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I'm a student in college. I've had my girlfriend for a bit more than a month, but we were very good friends before that. At first she was paying a lot of attention to me, but now I guess I have been doing special things for her more often. I wasn't really keeping track, but I guess that is true in retrospect. Also, more often I would be seeking to eat together or just do things together, because I enjoy being with her. But last night, and it took like an hour to get her to say what was bothering her, she said she didn't think she was ready for quite as committed a relationship as I was. There had been some vague talk about the future, nothing specific, because I was thinking about it some - and she just said she wanted to spend time with her friends mainly.

I was okay with that when she told me last night, and we parted on good terms. So today, I tried to give her space. Except I didn't have to try, it was just kind of natural, and to be honest, it felt kind of refreshing. And now it has progressed to the point that I'm not sure that I care about her at all. That is kind of sad to me since she is supposed to be my friend mainly.

I feel like she would be great if I wanted a girlfriend, but since today was so refreshing (and I wasn't the one that wanted it that way), I kind of wonder if I want a girlfriend. What is going on?




RomanceClass.com Advice
Every relationship goes through stages -

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/howto/stages.asp

and it sounds like you're settling down into a mature relationship. Yes, it's fun to be in the heat and frenzy of new love but obviously that level of insanity can't last forever. After a while you want to get back to the normal business of life, friends, family, work, everything else that makes your world a good one.

It sounds like she's been neglecting her friends because of you, which isn't good. It also sounds like you both have been neglecting yourselves in your quest to be everything for each other. Which isn't good either.

A healthy relationship has a good dose of everything - time for each other, time for yourself, time for friends, time for family. If you guys went overboard in one direction, it's time to find some balance where you care for each other - but not to the point that you destroy the rest of your lives. It shouldn't feel "strange" to be apart from your girlfriend for a day or two. It should feel OK to be alone - but also OK to be with her and caring for her.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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