This Friend isn't Much of a Friend

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have a problem, I have an old "friend" that copies everything I do right down to the ring I gave my fiance'. She has humiliated me in a room full of people I was meeting for the first time. She only contacts me when its convienient for her. And she never sees anything she does as wrong and will not apologize for anything. I would just drop her as a friend but she is marrying my fiances best friend and she has a history of making up stuff to ruin my relationships.

I am getting married and im afraid if I dump her now she will ruin my relationship with my fiance' and his relationship with his best friend. What should I do ? any advice would be appreciated. Advice
Wow, I think we all know people like your "friend". And it's fairly clear that she is NOT a friend, she is a user. She is very jealous of you and wants to emulate you, but also wants to drag you down so she can feel like she's better than you. If you are both getting married, then this is all likely to really turn into a thunderstorm because she will want to outdo you in every way she can, and make sure that your wedding has problems so that she can boast about how good her own wedding is.

I agree that simply dropping her right now will be tough since your lives are intertwined. Also, we all have friends who have wives we dislike, it's one of those crosses you have to bear in life. So I wouldn't try to drive apart your fiance and his best friend. Yes, the fiance's wife is a jerk. But so goes life, you just deal with it.

Still, just because she is a jerk doesn't mean that your own life is ruined. That's what she wants to achieve, and you simply can't let her do it. Talk with your fiance. Explain that you realize she is this sort of person, and that it's a shame, but that you both should support his friend as best you can. That you together need to accept and face the things she will do and just smile through it. That it'll be your own private joke, that she'll be out there trying to stir up trouble and you two will let it wash over you.

It can almost become a game, to see what trick she'll pull next and to defuse it without the trick causing the intended damage. I wouldn't make a big deal about dropping her. That would give her new ammunition to use. I would just ease out of contact with her, saying you're busy with preparations. Don't be specific about anything, that would give her something solid to latch onto and try to reproduce. Just be vague and do what you love best. Enjoy what you have and what you do. Whether she tries to outdo you or damage what you've done, that is her own sign of instability and childishness. In a way it's a sign that she really thinks you're great if she is focussed on being like you.

So if it helps, when you do things, think to yourself, "This is what she would really like to be like" and if she tries to top it later on, take it as a sign of flattery. If she tries to cause trouble for you, take it as a sign that she is so in awe of what you've done that she can't even fathom trying to match it herself. Maybe once all the wedding madness is over she'll settle down. But if she keeps trying to chase you, it'll just be more of a sign that she is unhappy with what she is in life. Which is a pretty sad thing.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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