Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
My fiance and I have been together for 2.5 years. I left my husband for him. I knew all along about his previous relationships but was never jealous because I felt completely secure in our love. He asked me to register him for something and to do so I needed to use his personal e-mail account. He had full knowledge that I was going to be in his mail box. When he did not receive the notifications he asked me to go in and check to see if the e-mails were going to his SPAM account. When I checked I saw old e-mails to and from "x's" but I had no concern since they were long before he and I were together. Then I spotted one to his last x we'll call her Helga. This e-mail he had sent her two days AFTER our one year relationship anniversary. Well, there it was like Pandora's Box. So, I opened it and it was one line, "Nice to hear from you :-0" Helga and he dated in their teens and had a very intense "soulmate" type relationship. They broke up and got back together and broke up, yadda, yadda, yadda. Every break up was by her not him. She got involved with a much older man and my fiance we'll call him John got married to another girl. When John and his first wife got into an argument and split up for a little while John and Helga ran into each other at a local bar and spent the night together. Helga was 6 months pregnant by the old man she got involved with at the time (ewwww!). After their night of passion she went back to the old man and John went back to his wife. 12 years later they got reinvolved when Helga was having problems with her old man,she actually did get divorced, convince John to buy a house that he could NOT afford on his own, move into this house with John and John's kids bringing along her son (same one she was pregnant with when they had their fling) stayed for about six months then went back to her x-husband. John ended up losing the house and having to declare bankruptcy because of the whole thing. Needless to say, seeing a cute little note to Helga from John knowing what I know about how she screwed him over and damaged him both mentally and financially was a shock to me. After that I opened every single e-mail that he had in there and I saw all the stuff between the two of them when she left him for her x and all his begging for her to come back and how he would "always love" her and "wait forever to pick up" where they left off and how they are "meant to be together" and noted the fact that he called her, "Babydoll". John calls ME Babydoll and made a big point of telling me when he started that I was the ONLY one he called that. I asked him about it he told me that she called him up on the phone and he didn't remember what she wanted and he chatted with her and sent the note to her afterwards because it seemed the "polite" thing to do. Say what? I can't understand why he would not just have slammed the phone down on her let alone understand why he would chat sweetly with her and THEN send her a cute little note! I mean, who DOES that? UNLESS they want further contact! In the meantime, John and I moved in together to a new house and while moving his things I keep coming across her crap! Photos of them in Florida, cards from her to him, more photos, etc. He said that they were all just boxed up and he didn't care about them and that I should just throw them all out. Okay fine, but then we go to his son's school open house and guess who's there with her old, old, OLD husband and son who just happens to go to the same school! Well she stares at John non-stop for the entire hour and a half and he makes sure we walk right past her several times. No words were exchanged between the two of them but the next morning I had to go and check his e-mail and there it was. sent 15 minutes after the thing ended, a note from Helga to John. She sent it to both his private AND work e-mail address to make sure he got it. The note only said, "You looked good! Kinda weird though, i really hope you're happy?" I told John immediately and went off on him in an e-mail about the weirdness between them and how I thought that he was carrying a torch for her and she LIKED him carrying it for her. He replied that he is not carrying anything for her and that he only loves me. We talked and agreed to simply ignore her e-mail. To the best of my knowledge she has not e-mailed or called him since (3 months) but I can NOT get it out of my mind! I still can't justify his sending her the cute little note after the phone call she made when he and I were already involved and I worry constantly that as soon as her old man kicks the bucket and she gets all the money and his life insurance policy she will show up and want him back. I continue to check his e-mail and go through his phone and even his drawers looking for 'something' even though he has given me no other reason to not trust him. And please tell me WHY he would call me "Babydoll" when he called her that?
What can I do?
You probably can't do much other than threatening to leave him.
They have probably agreed to stop communicating over his personal email address and doing it only on his work address.
You have put up with a lot of garbage and he is taking advantage of your good nature (although, of course, you have complained to him.)
But, maybe they have quit communicating. Ask him about it. And, if you want, ask him to find another nickname for you. It's probably just a habit for him to use that name so get something new.
Don't worry about her old man dying... he will probably live to 100 !
You are putting yourself through a lot of pain and agony by being so jealous. That's not to say you aren't justified, just that you'd be happier if you could not worry so much. See if you can stop going through his drawers... you are getting a bad rush from the possibility of finding something.
Not much help, I know, but jealousy is one of the hardest things to deal with.
Best wishes and good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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