A Known Cheat is Chasing my GirlVisitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I've been with my new girlfriend for just over three months, now. I met her at work, infact she's my partner (we are both police officers), and we worked together for about five months before she asked me if I'd go to the cinema with her one evening. As I had, over the time we had worked together, become very attracted to her, I used this as an opportunity to 'ask her out', she said yes and we are very, very happy together.
But, recently she has been engaged in administative tasks which have meant that she has been out visiting the more rural 'out stations' while I've been back in the town working, for the most part, alone. At one particular 'out station' works a guy who was on training with me, I'll call him Paul. Paul is in a fairly unhappy relationship with a woman who, prior to Pauls intervetion, was happily engaged to Pauls (ex)best friend (Paul 'got in there' and split them up). Now, the interesting thing is that prior to splitting up his current girlfriend and the man she was with, Paul was with a woman who, again, prior to Pauls intervention, was happily seeing another of Pauls friends. Do you see a pattern emerging here?
The problem is that my girlfriend, due to administrative work, has been spending quite a lot of time with Paul, and where she used to describe him as an "irritating toe-rag" she now describes him as "really funny, nice, etc". She also says she feels sorry for him being in an unhappy relationship and that she can't understand why he stays with his girlfriend, which is fairly worrying in itself, as this is exactly what she said she felt for me before we started seeing each other and I was in a genuinely unhappy relationship with a woman who had a real problem keeping her knickers on around other men (she told me this after myself and my ex' had split up and we had got together).
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago she told me that Paul had become quite "flirtatious" with her but she had told him to "watch out" because I'm "very protective". A few days after this, she had to visit Pauls station in order to drop off a lap-top computer, as I had been waiting in the office for her to return for about two hours (it's about a 45 minute trip to Pauls station), as I needed her with me to attend a job, I sent her a text message, asking where she was, was she nearly back or should I go out alone. She replied that she was still in Pauls station. So I went out alone. When I returned three hours later she told me that she had only been back for about 15 minutes.
Now I really am starting to become concerned as, even though she tells me she loves me, and I really do believe her, she seems to bring up Paul in coversation quite a lot, this is really worrying me because in a months time I have to go away for 15 weeks for firearms training, so, for that 15 weeks, I'll only see her at the weekend.
Perhaps it's just me being paranoid after my previous relationship, but if there's one thing I've learnt as a policeman, it's this "If there's ever any doubt, there is no doubt". I think it's him I don't trust, what do you think? Please help.
As much as I am one to say very loudly "trust! trust!", there is also a point where action has to be taken and I think this is it. Yes, she wants to be loyal to you. But it's not like she's just hanging around the office and the copy-boy is saying "hi" in a friendly way. She's out in a remote spot with a guy whose known operating procedure is to actively chase down and remove women from his friends, because it makes him feel important and like he has "won" sort of competition. He's already done this twice. Undoubtely he'll do this many times in the future, and his current victim is your girlfriend.
So even if she was the most chaste of women, she might give in under his much-practiced skills and lines and techniques. She has a built-in weakness for guys 'saddled' with bad girlfriends - even though in this case the girl in question is one HE stole away from someone else. It's hard enough for most couples under normal situations to be apart for 3+ months without being distracted. Just look at how summertime screws up so many school relationships. But if you throw into that mix an active hunter who is pursuing your girl with a single-minded intensity, and you're looking at certain disaster.
On the other hand, the question is what to do. I doubt you can just cancel training. If you push her about it she's likely to rebel out of sheer "I can do what I want" mentality. If you harass him he's likely to push harder out of his "I can have any girl!" competitiveness.
So the thing is to find a solution that keeps her away from him and that she understands and agrees with. It's not that you don't trust HER - it's that you don't trust HIM and that her gentle nature is already being abused. He's not doing this because he likes her - he's doing this because he is USING HER.
So sit down with her and really talk about the issue. Don't put her into the position of defending him. Say you understand WHY he's doing it but that you don't want her to be used by him and that your relationship with her is the most important thing to you. That to help BOTH of you weather this you suggest she take up something fun and intersting while you're gone - sign her up for cooking lessons, or skiing lessons, or SOMETHING else for while you're gone. Agree to call nightly, read all my long-distance tips on the site for staying in close contact -
If at all possible, visit as often as you can. The more in touch you can stay with her, and the more you can keep him away from her, the better chance you can survive this. But this will probably be the toughest test in your entire relationship. If you can survive this, you can probably get through anything.
Maybe put it to her like that, that this is the supreme challenge, harder than marriage or anything else. You'll be apart for a long time, longer than most couples ever have to be apart, and you have a known pursuer active during that time. So make it a fun challenge that you both know you can win.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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