Go back to Friends or wait for my love?
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
About 8 years ago, I met the man of my dreams. I can still remember the feeling I got the very first time I answered the door and he was on the other side. He literaly took my breath away (and yes, I always thought that was a corny saying until it happened to me). Anyways, this guy was a friend of the guy I was dating. Of course, due to the situation, I never said a word. Within months, the guy and I ended our relationship...which I was fine with because he served his purpose for the time and it was never a lovematch. And I got the best end of the deal...I got my very best friend in the world.
My best friend, Alan, and I got very close over the years...but I could not tell him how much I loved him. Because I had these feelings for him, and knew I could never tell him (because of the independent situations in our lives and the way we met), I never really went out of my way to spend alot of time with him. I figured the more time I spent with him, the more likely I was to tell him and possibly lose my best friend.
About six months ago, both of our lives changed drasticaly. I was hurt very badly at work, and he was hit by a car. Because of these situations and the intense and irrational fear I experienced at the thought of losing him, I knew I had to finally tell him how I felt. I asked him to come n visit me as soon as he was up and getting around again.
He came by, and I finally told him how I felt. He was understandably upset, but not for the reason I thought. He was upset because I hadn't ever told him before, and because it was a REALLY bad time in his life. I must admit, he is married...but for 8 years I have known this, and knew it was a marriage of convienence, not love. They were married over 20 years ago because they had noone else in their lives they could depend on. She had lost her entire family young due to death (her parents died and she was an only child), and he was disowned by his family. She is an antisocial type of person. She does not socialize with ANYONE at all, ever. They share a house (but not a bed or life) and other bills because neither one of them were able to afford a place on their own. And he had been recently in a relationship that really hurt him and he was having a hard time getting over it.
We decided that we might go in the direction of dating someday, but our friendship is was more important and we would never do anything to jeopardize it.
Well, we have been friends plus for 5 months now, and we are very much in love. We want to spend every day together, we speak several times throughout the day. I know he absolutely adores and loves me. And I feel exactly the same way.
We have done everything possible together, and find that we are sooo much alike that it is almost scary. We do have our differences, but they even seem to compliment each other in an eerie kind of way.
The problem is, he has tried to leave his wife, and she threatened suicide. And he is too sweet a guy, to let anyone suffer (with the exception of himself) so he can't leave her and take the chance that she will actually kill herself. Mind you, we all know it isn't because she loves him, but because she has noone else in this world.
My problem is, while I love him completely, I don't like this. I know he wants to be with me. I know I can make him very happy...and I do feel really bad for his wife. I never intended to have an affair with him. Neither one of us wants a relationship like this. But we do love each other and do want to be together. If she hadn't threatened suicide, he would have left her before we even started anything. But her threat has him scared to do it.
I know this is sooo wrong. Part of me wants to just say, let's just be friends again. Our friendship is still the most important thing to us. We would very easily be able to revert to "just friends", but we love each other so much I know it would kill me to lose it. We honestly have the type of love story that they make movies about. The problem is the wife, and I know she has her good points, or he wouldn't have ever had her in his life.
So, what do you think we should do? Go back to being just friends or should I do what he asks and just wait for his chance? He is hoping that they will hit one of their patches where she wants to end it, and then he can go without worrying that she will try to kill herself.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
She is blackmailing him with her threats of suicide. Suicidal threats can never be ignored. He must get her to agree to see a counsellor together so that the facts can be laid out and advice given. She probably needs psychiatric attention too. The counsellor will probably advise this.
If she refuses to go, then your friend will have to go by himself and get advice.
Don't let this pass by as is... nobody is happy with the status quo. Wait for your love.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com