She's 35 and Wants Kids - I Want to Wait
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
My girlfriend of two years broke up with me. She said that she was giving me an ultimatum, propose or we are through. She is 35 and her parents are pressuring her to have children. She seems to confide in her parents an awful lot. I am getting ready to move out of my profession (hi-tech) and do not want to propose until I can be the "bread winner". Her parents are very traditional and want grand children and have never worked in corporate America. My girlfriend does not seem to be very flexible right now. My situation is more complicated because I have a sick parent that does need some help. I have arranged for my two siblings to pick up the slack and take over my duties helping out my parent(Alzheimers). My siblings want me to be happy.
Recently my former girlfriend told me that another person told her that her parents were very controlling. My former girlfriend can't seem to make up her mind. When she is with me, she agrees with me. When she is with her parents, she takes their side. Two weeks ago she opened up about her parents and how they were controlling. She asked me what she should do? I did not tell her what to do. She came to her own conclusions, Her father showed up at her house to do some repair work and I could see her mind working. All of a sudden she went back on what she discussed with me. Moving out of the same area as her parents etc. I am so confused. She has told me that she still loves me but she needs a commitment. I am scared that i will be marrying her parents. They have a lot of money and seem to use it to control their children. I don't care about their money. I think it has ruined their family and i will earn my own. We never fought during our relationship.
I am very giving and up until 6 weeks ago, I though we had a solid relationship. She said that she wanted to be number one. I sometimes don't think that i can satisfy her or please her. Her parents have bought her a house, paid for her education and bought all of her cars. I don't care about fancy cars. I will work very hard to be a good provider, but i want to spend time with my children , if and when we have them. I think that she needs to grow up and stop relying on her parents. I think she did not fully mature and is stuck in a stage where she can't make up her own mind and make her own decisions. I think she has some self esteem issues also. Her mother said that someone must have told me what a good catch she was, and that is why I am trying to see if she wants to work things out. She said that any ring will do as long as it comes with a commitment. I am also concerned that she could give me another altimatum when we are married if she does not like something I do or my financial status changes.. Marriage is not suppose to be this way.
Normally I would say that this needs to be your own decisions fully and completely and if you're not ready, you're not ready. That being said, she is **35**. We're talking about an age at which a woman starts to have serious problems getting pregnant and having kids. Women are not eternal baby makers. She could have seriously handicapped kids the longer you wait.
If she wants kids, and you don't then you are cruel to keep her hanging around and to lose that chance. If you DO want kids then you need to take a serious look at why you are waiting here. No timing is ever perfect. Lots of kids are raised by poor parents and are completely content. Her parents aren't going to change. If anything, once you guys are married, raising your own family, that gives her a ton of autonomy about how she handles that. It is a point where many women break the ties to their parents because now THEY are the parents and are the one in charge.
So you really need to think seriously here. She has made up her mind - she wants kids. She needs to have a partner to have them with, soon. If you're not that guy, then let her go so she can find someone who is willing to settle down and have the kids. What her parents are like shouldn't factor into this decision at all.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com