We're Two Different Types of People
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
i was with my fiance for six years. she wanted to move and i didn't because of my age and was afraid money would be a problem as she is highly educated with better chances and my buisness at home is doing well. 2 month after we got engaged she said she wanted to take a class in italy, i found that wrong since we couldn't arrange our wedding.
we started to plan to get married after her class in italy but it felt wrong and finances on my end were not there and i didn't want her to pay. i became paranoid and she was silent. she went to italy without me and i wound up going and running after her, she seemed more into everything than me two weeks later she went out and didn't come home. i left so did she and my heart was broken.
now she is telling me she still loves me but we need time to think and to find ourselves but she is still in love with me but she wants to live her dreams, she's a future corporate, i'm a massage therapist she is 26 and i'm 33 so the communication is weird and the stakes for me moving are higher.
she wants to work things out slowly. i feel like i'm tearing apart and she claims she is but i'm the one doing all the trying. i'm lost and in love and although she claims she hasn't been with anyone i found it hard to trust, as she's out in bars with the girls and i'm home crying, i tried to date to her request but it makes me sick to do it. i feel like i'm cheating on someone and i'm not ready. we are going on a date tonight when i went to break it off completely helppp!
All relationships are about compromise and about two individuals joining together and having a life together. Sometimes that compromise is easy - both people love San Francisco and work in the theater there. Sometimes the compromise is very hard - one person loves Maine and the other loves Miami, one wants to be an airline pilot away from home a lot, the other wants to run Avon out of the home. It's always *possible* but it's never easy and rarely can each person get 100% of what they want.
I agree that you want to work from your current location for your job reasons, and she wants to work elsewhere for her job reasons. As much as you say you're the one doing all the trying, remember, you're also refusing to move and in essence forcing her to rearrange her life around your career choice. You *could* set up a massage therapy shop in just about any city on the globe - I know, I have many massage therapist friends. So really you are job-wise just as flexible as she is.
But really, the issue is larger than that - that's just one symptom. My point isn't that "you are wrong" or that "she is wrong". You need to look at this as two separate, individual people whose lives you are trying to meld. It's not a matter of "right" or "wrong", it's a matter of do these pieces fit together well.
She wants to go out and explore, to learn new things, to expand her knowledge. You enjoy being home in your comfort zone, with your established reputation and set of clients. Neither of these are "bad" things! But they are both DIFFERENT things. And part of being in a relationship is about fully supporting each other's dreams.
If you are saying to her "I want XXXX wedding but I refuse to let you help pay for it," and if you are saying "I want you to be my wife but you must life where I choose" you are making restrictions about your life together. You love her. She loves you. You need to think about WHY you feel these other things are important and, if they are, if they are important enough for you to find someone else who fits those requirements.
Why not do some research and find a town that is big enough for her to have good job prospects - and a perfect match for your skills? In many cities there are HUGE demands for your talents and finding clients would be super-easy. Why not split the wedding costs 50/50? Most couples do, and since it is your JOINT life you are celebrating, shouldn't it be something you do together?
Most of all, you must trust her, and talk with her. Constantly. No matter how this turns out, that is KEY to your relationship.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com