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All love that has not friendship for its base, Is like a mansion built upon the sand. --Ella Wheeler Wilcox

We dated six months, it didn't work

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
Prior to this happening, I was in a 10 year relationship that had ended but there was still alot of contact with my ex-girlfriend. Then, about 8 months ago, I accidentally ran into an old friend who I had not seen for many years. We had a great time talking and catching up on what was new in our lives. A short time later we made plans to have dinner together. We had an amazing time and ended up spending the night together. Over the next couple of months we saw more and more of each other. It was still pretty casual, but I felt we were getting closer. She knew about my ex-girlfriend, but I didnt talk about it too much. I didnt tell her that we were still in contact but she knew. I also didnt tell my ex-girlfrined that I was seeing someone new.

We continued to see each other and I started to develop serious feeling for her. I loved everything about her and when we were together I felt truly happy. I was experiencing feelings that I either never had before or that I had so long ago that I didnt remember them. We spent alot of time together and with her family and friends. For a while there, we would spend 6 out of 7 nights together. I was really falling in love with her, but I didnt say anything to her. Although the way I was acting, I think she knew.

The relationship wasnt perfect. She had a difficult childhood. Her parents had passed away. Previously she had never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months. There were a couple of times when she would tell me that she was having problems with our relationship.

After about 6 months, she told me that it was not working out, she wasnt sure why but we couldnt see each other anymore. I told her I wasnt happy about it, but it was her choice. We didnt speak for about a week, and I couldnt stop thinking about her. We got together and I told her that missed her and that I was in love with her. Her reaction was less than receptive. She seemed uncomfortable with this. Later I found out that she started seeing someone else about a week after she broke up with me. They are still together.

About 2 months have passed and we have exchanged e-mails, letters and phone calls, and I have done and said some things that I really wish I hadnt.

I cant stop thinking about her. I know that I made alot of mistakes when we were together which made her unhappy. I guess my question is what do you do if you love someone more than anything else and you feel you could never have them?

Some people have said that if you really love someone, you should not give up on them. Others have said that if it was meant to be it will happen, if not, you can't change it anyway.

RomanceClass.com Advice
It is always hard to do a breakup after a long relationship. You were together for 6 months and showed her all of what you were - good and bad. You really liked what she was and of course wanted her to like you. But instead she looked you over, thought about it a lot and then said that you just weren't what she wanted in life.

No matter how much you love someone, you can NOT force them to love you back. It's one thing not to give up on someone that you are just getting to know, and are having scheduling problems to arrange dates. That is because you want to give them the full chance to really know you and fall in love with you. But if someone DOES fully know you and understand you, and then chooses NOT to be with you, that is 100% their choice. They know all about you. You have shown them what you are in life. And they simply want something else.

I know it hurts, but this doens't mean you are bad!! Every human being has things they are interested in from other human beings. None of us match exactly. We are all different and we all change over the years too. So it just happens that you two do not match up. You probably match up wonderfully with many other women out there! So go find a woman who you DO match up well with. You might be amazed at how much better it feels, to be with a woman who really does appreciate and desire all that you are.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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