I broke up with her, and now I want her back . . . I think
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Here's the situation. My ex and I were together for 2 1/2 wonderful years. Admittedly, we did not take things very slowly. We moved in together after only 6 months together. Anyway, things were great for a long time, but over the last 6 months or so, she has been sinking into depression. I brought this to her attention, and she admitted that she wasn't doing well. It ended up causing a lot of problems in our relationship. The biggest problem was that she always told me "I'm going to get help." "I'm going to work on this." "I want to be happy again." etc. Well, things would change for about a week after one of these many discussions, and then they would go right back to the way they were. She also had conflicts with our room mates because she was not used to having another girl in "her" space (even though it was all shared space), and in the end, they asked her to leave (ironically enough on the day we split up, and they didn't even know what had happened). When we split, I told her that I just couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't deal with her telling me one thing and doing the opposite. I couldn't deal with her being so dependent on other people to fix her problems that she never really took matters into her own hands, and I couldn't deal with the fact that she couldn't (or wouldn't) take responsibility for her own actions. I also couldn't deal with the fact that she would never let anything go. The smallest things bothered her, and she did nothing but complain about them all day. So, she moved out, and she went back to her parents' house because she had nowhere else to go. We have talked a few times since we split about 2 weeks ago, and she seems to have come to a lot of very important realizations. Mostly, she realizes that her getting kicked out of the house was her fault because of how she treated our room mates, and she realizes now that if she doesn't get herself straightened out, we can not be together again. It is very exciting to hear her talk about these things because, where she used to shut me out, she is now opening up like her old self. She really wants us to be together again, and I've told her that I need time to figure out if that is what I really want. Well, I'm so confused about what I want that I don't know what to do. I really miss her. I still love her. I still care about her deeply. She is one of the few people I have ever met that really "gets" me. She understands me, and we had a connection like none I've ever had before. The thing that I'm most concerned about is that if we do decide to get back together, will things really change? I believe her when she says she is working on getting her life together. She is trying to get insurance so she can see a doctor about her depression. She is looking for a new job so she can make more money and save up to get out of her parents' house as soon as possible. It seems like she is on the verge of some very important changes. But, for the last two days, I've been questioning myself as to whether or not I really want to be with her again. I just don't know if I can believe that things are really going to be better this time. What I do know is that the times we had together were great before everything started slipping downhill. Should I go back to her? Should I give it more time?
It sounds like she needs professional counseling and it is good that she is trying to head in that direction.
Two weeks is not enough time for her to make a real change, but at least she seems to realize how important this matter is to your relationship. Nobody is going to change overnight, so you shouldn't expect too much too soon. Give her your support but don't let her move back in until she has shown at least another month of positive growth. It will be depressing for her to be away from your home for a long time so factor that into your decision making. Give her as much support as you can because it will be hard for her.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
Visitor Submitted Responses
Our RomanceClass visitors have chimed in with thoughts on this question and answer. Click on a link below to read what their solutions are!
She needs to learn