Am i out of line to feel hurt?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
In high school I fell for my best friend, lets call her V. She had a bf of 4 years who ended up cheating on her.But before she found out I had to do everything to balance my role as her best friend,my feelings for her,my conscience not to try to use my friendship with her to get a date when her relationship was failing.I never once did anything untrue for her.She was a wreck that day when she found out and broke up with him saying nobody would ever like her or think she was beautiful.And it was the hardest thing I had ever done to not just let it all pour out of me how much I cared and loved her and how she was amazing, because I knew she didn’t need more intense feelings added to the mix. She left that day and years later I found out had fallen for me back then, but like me, she was concerned about timing and bit her tongue. She thought id feel like she was using me for a rebound. She left that day. I followed her quietly feeling total agony watching her like this and not being able to finally do what I wanted to for so long. We’d been best friends for 2 years same for my feelings, and her and I had gone through everything together. The only thing that helped me not break down and fall apart watching her walk away was I promised id tell her the very next day as soon as she calmed down. But unfortunately for me, she never came back to school. She dropped out. Her ex cheating bf never liked guy friends, so I never knew her phone number, and was never allowed to visit her house, even to help tutor her for chemistry. All we had was picking places and times to hang out after school, while at school. So I had no address, no way to contact her, and her house turns out, was in a township outside of the jurisdiction of the phone book!!! But I knew where she worked, and every day for the next 4 months I would go to that place and wait for her and she never showed up, turns out she had quit, and had fallen into a depression. Turns out she in her darkest hour started dating a psycho. She dumped him but he became a stalker.Call him J.
While getting back for losing time me and V went to movies clowned around, just like we used to.Her ex stalker bf tried to go after her,and I kept her safe.She moved for school,living many hours away.But I dashed up there asap when she was single again in an attempt to ask her out. She was a wreck once more,so my timing couldn’t have been worse,but she said she was considering a “hotty” she barely knew for a rebound,that shattered me to the core. I went away for a while,got over her,and fell in with a great girl,lets call her B.B and I have been happily together for over a year.Id only seen V a handful of times for a few minutes in the past year.Yesterday I visited her over coffee before she had to head back up to school.She told me that the past year had been bad,the “hotty” had physically attacked her and threatened her life and she contracted and STD from him.She said being “sick” had greatly damaged her self esteem feeling isolated and that nobody would ever want to touch her.She actually was on track in life,no longer dating psychos who spent her money and ran her life,she had a good job & grades.Then she tells me “oh btw I visited J (psycho stalker)the other day.I slept with him. :)” I kinda freaked out and asked her if she remembered the fear she had of him 2 years ago and his threats to hurt her. SHE HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN.“Ive had so many nut bars I couldn’t remember.”
I am not in love with this girl any more.But what she did hurt me big time.It’s a slap in the face of my efforts to get her in high school.It’s a slap in the face of all the losers she picked instead of me even after she knew we both fell for each other.A slap in the face that I risked my life to keep her safe from that prick the night he was after her!Its like that night I might has well have DROPPED HER off at his house so he could attack her!I was so stunned and disappointed in her.She without knowing it, had thrown all of my effort back in my face,and put herself in a risky position which could have gone bad,completely ignorant of the threat the guy once was, and she slept with him!The guy treated her like crap, scared and threatened her,I protected her,I went through hell and back,I would have given an arm just to date her, just for a shot,and SHE GOES BACK AND GIVES HER EVERYTHING to this GUY after he meant to hurt her!Come to think of it she gave beyond whatever I wouldn’t have given everything for to like 5 losers who harmed her in one way and they all treated her like crap!We got into a bit of a squabble about this.She said “Hey, it was just a fling, it was for me to feel whole again.He’s moving away, we aren’t dating it meant nothing.Don’t worry if your ever single you’re the highest consideration now for a bf and I intend to stay single until done school.”
So my question is, WHY does what she did hurt me, am I out of line to feel hurt here? I don’t know one night stands, but should I feel less bruised pride about this?
I moved on long ago, but that statement cut me like a knife. And I’m not a judgmental person, I turn the other cheek when somebody strikes me. So am I out of line to feel this way, or am is it justified that im hurting here? Does my reaction mean there is still a shred of her still in my heart?Or is this a normal reaction?Those are my questions...im so mad and stunned i cant see straight or sleep.
Sorry this was so long.
From the way you told the story, I don't think she knows how you feel about her right now. You have a girlfriend and so you are off-limits to her. She told you about what she had done because she thinks of you as a best friend.
If you care for her so much, break up with your girlfriend and go back to your high school love. Better be prepared, however, to find out that she might not like you enough to get together with you. Then you would have no girlfriend.
Regarding your feelings, they are probably feelings of regret of what might have been if things had turned out differently. It's too late now, but you could have looked harder for her when she dropped out of school. You could have called information, asked her girl friends, asked in the school office, gone into her workplace and asked about her. I say this not to beat up on you, but to remind you that if the opportunity arises again to strike while the iron is hot.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com