My Jealousy that turns to Anger

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
My girlfriend and I have been dating on and off for close to 2 years now. As of now we are on a "break" for reasons of me being jealous. Generally thats always the reason for us taking some time off. For about the first year it was great, we never had problems because I was never aware of what she did behind my back. She is very good at hiding things from everyone. Sneaking out seeing other guys, texting other guys. Basically it is just showing all around more affection to others that have not even been through close to what we have. It really hurts when i hear about it, even though i believe her when she says she never shares intimacy with them. But i am still very skeptical, especially knowing her past with these guys and, the things shes done with them. She cheated on her Ex-boyfriend before me, that has me really scared too. All this leads to my jealousy and anger. It brings me to the point that i hurt her feelings with things i say because i do not know how to deal with it, i do not know how long we will last when i take things out on her. When i feel like doings something about it, I cant. I do not know what i can do to change anything. I appreciate any input. Advice
Jealosy and the anger that grows out of it are a deadly combination of emotions. It is extremely difficult to deal with them, especially if the other person is not very particular about how they interact with the opposite sex.

As you will agree, I'm sure, you don't want your gf to be a nun and shut herself away from life. So you are going to have to deal with some things that make you jealous. It seems like anger seems to accompany jealousy. That is the thing you have to key on. Work very hard to not be angry when you have jealous feelings. Be matter-of-fact about it. Say to yourself "Yes I am jealous but I'm not going to get really angry or hurt by it."

Then try to develop the ability to discuss jealousy with your gf in a calm, loving manner. Since you love her, this would be a goal, right? Trust is the most important part of beating jealousy. Listen closely to what she says and try to believe her and not drag up ancient history. Maybe she made a mistake in the past but so have you--this "break" is probably mostly your fault if you will be honest about it. You can't control your jealousy.

My advice is to start controlling it now because it may only get worse as you go on with your life. Imagine how disturbed you would be to find yourself at age 25, maybe married, and still being jealous. It is well worth your time to work hard at being trusting. You are not unusual, but you need to take steps now... the fact your wrote me shows an important first step in this process.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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