I want my ExGrilfriend/Best friend back
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Well hello, I am a lesbian first and foremost so this may be a bit different than the usual advice you might end up giving out. I read every single posting and they kinda helped but you know every situation is different in its entirety because people are all different. Now i have specific questions i would like to ask in story format so you can get a feel of the actual circumstances because im in a pickle and i really need help on a few things that directly relate to the title. My girlfriend and i had been together for 7months. If it may help im a very feminine female but my ex girlfriend is sort of a tomboy..dresses like men very casual but not to the point of wanting to be a man...shes the dominant one in the relationship but in touch with her femininity...so it would be as if a woman and her metrosexual man were having problems lol!
1) My girlfriend and i met offline and she moved where i was so she could get back on her feet and because i loved her enough to bring her into my home out of a bad situation. once she was here we were living in very restricting and tight quarters..so i guess i didnt feel the need for dressing up on a constant basis like i used to and i stopped flirting with her...but it just naturally happened. I gained weight as well as her but we were still attractive...but maybe i just wasnt the same person to her and we always knew i was in love with her but she only loved me. How do i begin to feel sexy enough to make myself be that sexual being and show this to her once again...i honestly lost touch with how to turn her on and be spontaneous with it...as well as show her she is most definitely(and she is) the one i love making love to and i love her touch?
2) She is a very private person and doesnt have much to her name but what she's been carrying around with her for the past ten yrs...everything she had before got taken away from her...she has 8 yrs on me but i love her nonetheless. She also is a very gifted person with many talents but is more of a loner and kinda a floater in this life...but she is very spontaneous and hates routine...im not as experienced in the relationship dpt as her but im willing to learn and improve wherever i can but i dont know where to turn. I was always very jealous of anyone and any circumstance she would encounter and when i would meet new aquaintences she would always tell me they were no good...but me just being naive i didnt want to cut them off until i felt the need...they would end up being cruddy individuals eachtime...this happened maybe 4 times...i betrayed her trust..but i never cheated or had intentions but i just didnt take my girl's advice and thats what hurt her. My trying to be affectionate became clingy to her and needy, she lost trust for me, and she began losing interest in me intimately throughout our 7 months. But through allof this she would like to remain in my life and me in hers as good friends and one day (if it should be fate) we might get back together. She really just wants me to mature...and ive gotten over being mad and thinking shes calling me childish but realized i do need to mature..but not in the bad ways i was taking it....but im not sure how to go about maturing so i can be a better lover to her...or if not her to the next lady that embraces my life....could you help me on this?
3) Now with that snapshot into how this all begun, i have more to share. We ended up moving into a house together and i was paying alot of the bills and basically keeping us afloat..she did pitch in and help as much as she could but the job opportunites ended up sucking once she got here and all she kept getting was odd end jobs here and there. With her losing alot of the attraction for me we stopped having sex as much..i mean sometimes for over a month. She finally told me she wasnt sexually attracted to me anymore because i was too clingy and not showing her that i was a sexual being anymore and making her feel as if i wanted her and she also felt as if i needed to raise my self esteem if i wasnt feeling comfortable with my weight but she was fine with it and i just needed to adjust and keep my self esteem high, she felt as if i was just becoming very lazy and it was unappealing to her. She mentioned that she had started only seeing me as a "bomb ass friend"(a really good friend)but that she could not even tell when i was trying to flirt with her anymore...she did give me warnings but i couldnt read them. She broke up with me soon after that and we had been stuck in this house under a lease together and had aquired a dog and a turtle and living like a happy couple but what we really were was two single people one who had deep feelings for the other that only saw her as a friend. I couldnt watch her move on and the jealousy and hurt i felt everyday was all too much to bare..i finally paid for her a ticket home becuase all i wanted was for her to see how much i loved her and if i loved her i would let her go and grow as a person and get her complete space. She is now back in her hometown and she said we were going to focus on building a great friendship and getting to really know eachother since we didnt before as well as getting ourselves together seperately and just let time and fate do the rest...her answer to everything is "i dont know just let it happen naturally." But these are my feelings here...and while she is gone away and expresses that she doesnt want a relationship with anyone..i still want only her....What do i do, im really feeling anxious and can only think about her being here with me at least...and i just wish she would want me the way she wanted me when we were first together and the way i want her whats crazy is she is a spitting image and being of her mother and her mother explained alot to me that i should have known at the beggining about my girlfriend and her mother believes she just needs to make a life for herself so she can be a better provider for us her mom is in love with me lol!...i hope this is a chance for us to start all over..if i had known then what i know now...it could have survived, what is your take on the situation at hand and what can i do to ensure that we only become closer and she can begin to love me the way she used to...i want the "goo goo" eyes back...i love her so much...and that i dont push her further away and place myself in the "friend" bracket permanantly? could i get good solid detailed advice...you're the only place i might be able to turn to before its too late...
Sorry you are in this situation.
One thing that comes to mind is what you said about losing weight. It seems important to your feeling of self-worth. If you work out and improve your body it will make you feel better and you will not act so needy. You will feel sexier and so will she because of your changed attitude. And, remember that working out may temporarily increase your weight because of your improved muscle tone which is itself sexy. So don't give up.
I don't know what to make of her mother's feelings for you so will not try to comment on that. Clearly it complicates the picture.
For the time being, go along with her wishes to get to know each other better. It isn't what you really want but it should lead back to a closer relationship. Emphasize how you are bearing up, improving yourself, and getting out. She seems to respect an active partner.
Let her find her way to improving her job skills so she doesn't feel so dependent. Maybe you could try hard to find her a good job where you live.
Why not visit her and take her out for dinner? You can catch up, better renew your friendship, and make a move toward reconciliation.
Send her flowers and chocolates every so often to let her know you are still thinking of her.
Seems both of you are feeling bad about yourselves-- you about your weight and she about her economic situation.
Hope these turn around for you! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com