my world is over, so confused
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
A month ago my gf and I (2+yrs together) broke up. we were best friends before we got together and she got in a relationship with me right after she broke up with her ex, needless to say not a good foundation and I have had trust issues ever since. the first 8mnths were incredible, future talks, passionate love making all the time etc, it was beautiful. after a while, things bombed with me at work, i became depressed and kept flip flopping onwhether i should quit my job and in turn put alot of this on her, complained alot, and was quite selfish off and on for about a yr. in that period we had many talks about us, and almost broke up, things changed, i became less selfish and tried to be more in tune with her needs. over the last 6mnths of our relationship SHE was depressed, cold, and didnt care about life, eating bad foods, drinking all the time, and rarely wanting to be intimate or even affectionate with me. (we have fought alot throughout our relationship)I confronted her in april sayin I simply need someone who is affectionate and treats me like i matter, and someone who WANTS to look good/please her man as I do the same for my woman. it worked for a little while, she tried hard to do those things but it was apparant that she really didnt want to, sex was a chore, i HATED having to ask for it. she wanted to end it several times and then changed her mind because she wanted to make it work as did i. well it all ended a month ago, strangely enough a day before i was to have a second talk with her sayin gi NEED more sex or Im done. (sadly she did it over the phone) saying "i just cant do it anymore etc. i know i was needy, insecure, and no self esteem, and she wasnt intimate, got pissed off really easily and was just too "wound about the little things" like how to load/unload a dishwasher. now shes out every weekend with her guy and girl friends, partying all the time, a COMPLETELY different person! it hurts to see shes happier without me!! NOW, i have asked several times that we give it another shot and she says NO, "whats changed in a month?" "i havent changed in a month, im still the same person" she says which leads me to believe she puts the breakup blame on me even though she admits she has issues too and that "it just wastn working out". she also would love to have me as a friend down the road as thats how we started, but i dont know if i can do it. I logically know that we werent the greatest for the majority of our relationship, but know i see everything i shouldve done better and what i want out of a relationship. I am in agony, have few friends but i do spend more time with them, and have thrown myself into work, working out, and spending way too much money on myself in order to feel better....but I still want her back , and am hurting so much. everyone says "get over it, its done, forever, lifes too short" but i cant let go.....im considered an attractive guy with a lot to offer, but i am afraid ill never be happy with a woman again as ive only had 2 long term relationships but alot of "girlfriends" when i was single...how do i cope?is it really BOTH our faults for not working out? CAN we ever get back together? she says she still loves me but doesnt want what we had and is as open minded about us getting together again in the future as she is about dating 1000's of people because "we never know what will happen"...i unfortunately take that as false hope.......
Yes, it is both your faults. You two have been incompatible and didn't work hard enough about getting closer together.
I think it is unlikely that you will get back together again because she was so miserable for much of the time you dated. That said, I wouldn't advise giving up hope yet because it's not over until you say it's over. But don't pester her over this. Ask her out about once a month and see what happens. Send her roses and dark chocolates before asking her. Don't talk about your relationship unless you sense she is up for it. If she wants more of you she will drop hints about future dates or mention plans that you might be interested in.
It might be a good idea to date a few other women just so she knows you aren't holing up like a monk. She will be more attracted to you that way.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com