She's Pregnant, He Won't Move In

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
HELP! my daughter has been best friends with a guy for over 2 years. They tell each other everyhting, go out together alone or in groups, play softball together, etc. In the past 4 mos. they have taken their relationship a step further and seem really happy, although they still say they are best friends. The guy was burned in a five year relationship with another woman and says he's afraid to try again.

Well, my daughter is now pregnant and although they both seem to be very happy (he especially because he had no children, my daughter has a son) He uses the excuse he doesnt want to hurt my daughter if they decide to move in together and/or marry. His brother told my daughter that her friend is scared to death because he has always been on his own and had his own space. HELP!!! Advice
Well, the first thing is that as a mother any advice you give is going to be taken with a grain of salt, so you need to be cautious here. You don't want to make one or both of them defensive against what you say, because if you tell them something very wise they may resist "just because".

While your daughter's son wasn't necessarily this guy's responsibility to be there for, this new child is and deserves to have his father there in the house. Every child really needs both a male and female role model in their life 24 hours a day to each them what life, love, responsibility and everything else is about. The other father didn't do that, but that doesn't mean that this new father should evade his responsibility.

Yes, it's fun to have your own space. But a child really needs 2 parents. A child doesn't understand that "space" was more important than being a daddy was. I might really recommend that the two of them together get a NEW space that really belongs to them both. They can choose a place that has a study for him, so he has somewhere 'of his own' to hang out in. He goes I assume to work where he has his own space, too. But they should find a HOME together where they both create a world for this new child.

If you phrase it in terms of the child and a father being incredibly important in that child's life as a CONSTANT PRESENCE and not just an occasional visitor, maybe that would be something they could understand. She is an adult. She can deal with loss and so on. But the CHILD deserves a father that is there. The child's need for a father should outweigh his concerns of temporarily making her sad if things don't work out.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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