I know she's cheating, now what?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have discovered that my girlfriend is cheating on me. I have seen their cars at a motel and entertain the idea that one morning when they come out, my car will be parked next to theirs. I won't confront them in any manner, just let them see that I know and make their own conclusions. Is this a good idea or should I just cool my heels? I really love her, but don't know how to go about settling this issue.
You don't necessarily know that the guy is as level-headed as you seem to be or that he even knows she is 'taken'. So I'd stay away from anything involving him. This really revolves around you and her, and the fact that she's unable to be honest with you. As honesty is the key to any relationship, it'd be nearly impossible for you to go forward with her thinking lying was a normal part of life.
So just for backup, I'd take a picture of their cars at the motel, if you have to snap her out of her lying state. But then have a quiet dinner together, and then sit down together. Tell her that relationships mean people can be very honest with each other and work on any issues. Then say that you know she's sleeping with someone else, and that it concerns you because she's lying to you about it. The whole point of a relationship is being openly honest with a partner about everything. If she's going to lie, that's not a relationship. If she needs more sex, or different sex, or the thrill of motel sex, that's just something that happens in life. And if she talked to you about it, who knows what you could have worked out. But she lied to you, which damaged severely your trust. What would that mean if something "really" serious (not just about sex) came up - how could you trust her then, if you can't trust her about something like sex?
I'm not saying that sex isn't serious. But you're saying you love her and want to keep her. So I'm saying that an approach that might work is to say that sex isn't important compared to your love. You seem to be saying that in your message. So point out to her that she was lying - which is really serious - just because she wanted sex - which is trivial. Why would she jeapordize your relationship over something like that?
Hopefully if you do it that way, instead of trying to deny it, she'll instead say she was afraid of talking to you, and you can go at it in that way. You can find out why she was afraid, and why you weren't talking about these issues, and what she feels she gains from this relationship. Some relationships do survive without monogamy, and maybe that would be an option. Maybe it was a way for her to get a 'thrill' because she felt you were too 'proper' to do that, and maybe in reality you'd be great at thrill-giving if she had only asked. This might be a way to open up a whole new part of your relationship that she felt uncomfortable about talking about.
But the key in the end is that you both have to talk - very honestly. Relationships are about trust and honesty. They are NOT about lying. So get the lying out of the relationship first, and then see what you have. Hopefully you can find a way to get her needs and your needs in sync!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com