Is she really leaving?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Please Help! I am a 22 year old who was with a 22 year old female. We believed we were deeply in love. We dated for two years, and purchased a home a year into the relationship. We were ready to commit, we both had very stable jobs and were fortunate to be making good money. I didn't treat her well. I don't know why but I do know it was not on purpose. I lied because it was easier than telling the truth, I got upset when she showed up late, I got upset when she wanted to do something other than be with me. I was an all around *Beep*.

We have each broken up with each other but only for a day or two. Here recently I was told it was completely over. Before she broke it off I knew something was up, she didnt' touch me, we didn't talk, she slept in the other bedroom, etc. What I need help understanding is 1. Is it really done, for good? 2. How could she already be over me, she is already talking to other guys, and e-mailing back and forth about meeting them. We are going to the movies as friends in a few days, why would she go with me if she hated me? Is it only because she hasn't nothing else to do?

I can't ask her because she won't tell me. She has told me on several occassions that she no longer has any emotions for me and that I can do whatever I want. She said I would forget about her in a week or two. I have made some serious mistakes in my past, I never took her seriously with her other times she broke up with me, but now I take it very seriously. I am reading self-help books but I just have to there another chance? She said I crossed the point of no return. Is she just trying to get back at me? Should I move on? We need to sell the home in that case. Please Help! --Helplessly Lost Advice
Well, really, the only person that knows how she feels is her. It sounds like she's been contemplating this for a while though, and emotionally preparing herself for it, and has taken the big step. If you've been mean to her in the past she has a lot of 'logic' on her side which is hard to overcome, it's not just a whim of hers.

If you truly want to have a good relationship with her, communication is the *key* to that. So you need to talk to her. Apparently she feels she is talking and saying that she is done with the relationship. So then the question is whether or not you believe her. You need to have a long dinner with her where you admit to the things you did wrong. Say that you understand her feelings, and that you were wrong for what you did, and that that history is part of the past.

Lay out extremely clearly why you believe these things would NOT happen again, what clear steps you will take. Ask her, if those things were taken care of, what would her objections be to being with you. See if you can resolve her objections as well. People heal from hurt - many couples that go through a cheating partner still heal and go on with quite happy lives. So the potential is there for you two to go on and be happy. But it requires that you both love and want things to work and will work at it. It means you truly have to be supportive and nurturing for her, and that she believes that you will be there and is willing to work through her pain and unhappiness from previous time together. It won't work if just you want it to - she has to believe as well.

So spend that evening together and make your case for how you will change. But in the end if she says she doesn't care - that even if you did everything you and she could think of she would not be interested, then I'm afraid it might be time to let her go. At least in that case you can take all of this valuable information you've learned and find a new woman who will appreciate the new person you've evolved into.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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