What is happening?
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
We got married fall 2003. I was 30 and my husband was 35. At the end of 2004 we had our child. Since the birth of the child, my husband and I have been living like two friends under the same roof. We pay the bills, drive to work in the same car, go for a coffee at lunch or after work. Our routines have remained the same as when we first got married. The difference is that although we sleep in the same bed, we have only slept together 1 time since 2004. This occurred in 2006 the day before I was to go away on a two month exercise/work on a difference location/city.
It is now 2008 and everytime I have tried to address the issue about what is happening to our relationship my husband insists there is nothing wrong with our relationship. He says it is just stress and the fact that we have a three year old child that does not allow us the time and does not make it possible for us to be together intimately. He always seems to switch the conversation around and it looks like I am the bad guy who is not happy with the marriage.The frustrated short-lived discussions end when he asks if I still love him to which I have told him recently that I love him dearly but I do not have the spark we had when we got married in 2003. Loving and being in love are two different things and I do not feel the latter since there has been no relationship for years (since 2004 with the exception of that one time in 2006). He gets mad and does not talk and at the end of it nothing is resolved because he thinks we do not have a problem in this relationship. The reality is that we never had any major issues that caused the drift, albeit all happened undetected and quietly.
It's been 4 years or 2 years depending which how ones looks at it that we have not worked on our relationship. I love him and do not want to get a divorce. A friend suggested that it will all come back once we sleep together again. If that were to happen now, I could not be an active participant and would participate mechanically with no emotion involved. Just like two friends but not like husband and wife should be... I just can't sum up bygone emotions and pretend that doing it once every four years is the solution to salvaging this marriage.
Thank you for taking the time to read through my situation.
I am sorry you are in this situation.
The answer is so obvious you have probably already tried it: go see a marriage counselor with particular skills in sexual difficulties (ask the counselor before going).
Consider the possibility that he is gay... and may not recognize it himself. Whatever the case, the problem is with him. Mostly because he won't discuss it realistically.
If counseling doesn't work (and go by yourself if you have to) then my advice is to seek a divorce unless you want to live a sexless life with him forever.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com