I was clingy, we always fought, how do we make it work?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been best friends with my ex since we were six, and I had a crush on him for more than a year. He asked me out on New Year's eve and after months of being in a serious relationship he broke up with me. I couldn't stand being without him. I moved on and he realized he made a mistake.
Our mutual guy friends always told me that he was jealous of my new guy and that he wanted me back. I didn't believe them because ever since the break up we were very distant. On July 4th, we all went to my annual family BBQ and he was off by himself. This was odd because he was also a close family friend. I asked him why and he wouldn't say. That night he and the guys partied and once they were all pretty much wasted, he let loose: he went on and on about how much he loved me and they taped the entire thing.
The next day we all went to the beach and he wouldn't stop flirting! That night I heard the tape and was so happy! He asked me back out and I agreed on the terms that he would stop ignoring my feelings and calm down his partying. That was a month ago.
Recently, he started to act the same as he did the first time we broke up. Then I got the call: he wanted to break up but wouldn't say why. I feel like I've lost a part of me, like my best friend is gone. To be honest, we were never the perfect couple, we argued a lot but that's what was so appealing to me. I know that I was too clingy when I shouldn't have been so I guess I drove him away.
Our friendship hasn't recovered but even if it did I'd still be unhappy: I love him! He was the guy I was wanted and was going to marry, everyone thought so. I know he loves me I just think our relationship needed help. Now I need help getting him back. Please, help me get him back!
The fact that you enjoyed arguing with him and was clingy - and that he isn't willing to tell you what is bothering him and just "abandons" the relationship - all indicate something is seriously wrong here. A relationship needs to be between two best friends who respect each other, who care for each other, and who can be completly honest with each other. It seems that you guys were great at having "fun" together but somehow were missing those basic connections.
The MOST important thing is that you guys need to learn to talk!! He should NEVER EVER be doing something like a breakup on the phone. Why didn't he feel comfortable talking to you about it? More importantly, why didn't he tell you when he STARTED to feel unhappy, so you guys could work on it together, instead of waiting until it was too late? It sounds like he did this BOTH times you dated so in essence you guys never realized after the first failure WHY it failed to fix it. So of course the exact same thing happened all over again.
You really need to sit down and TALK HONESTLY. Do it with him, do it with a therapist, however works for you. Ask him to REALLY explain what bothered him. And then listen. Don't argue or contradict, just listen. And then share what bothered YOU. Why were you so clingy? Did you worry he'd leave? Something was bothering you.
A couple should NEVER fight all the time, it's a sign that something is wrong and that it keeps causing friction. So you guys had huge warning signs flashing and ignored them. You need to take a serious look at what was going on if you want this to work on try #3.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com