What is going on here?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Hi. I just want to thank you for taking the time to read this and answer. I started dating a man, and we hit it off immediately! We laughed continuously, and whenever we needed to discuss something serious, we did it quite easily. Things were moving along well emotionally, and we even talked about getting married and having kids, etc. So, along the way in the very beginning, he told me about some women from his past-he said he felt like he needed to share about them. He also told me at about the same time that the one thing he wanted from me was honesty. He had been cheated on a lot, and since I had to, this was another way we could connect--the need for honesty and certainty. So, he told me about a girl named Buffy whom he said was just his friend, and they would go to a movie every month or so. Her boyfriend is in Iraq. He told me that when they first met, they were interested in each other, but that he realized he did not like her really quickly. Then she fell in love with her current bf. I told him I had no problem with him hanging out with her since he made it sound like they had never been intimate. Then my boyfriend, Charlie, tells me that he is not comfortable with me hanging out with guys that like me. I said no problem, and I don't. After a little time, I felt like he was not being totally honest about Buffy because of some minor things. When I confronted him about it and told him that I didn't believe that they were never intimate, he admitted to having kissed her almost 14 months ago. When I still felt uneasy about it, I questioned him again and he admitted to having gone a lot farther with her than that--one four or five occasions. None of this would bother me since, hey, we both have pasts, but the fact that he misled me initially after telling me his definition of honesty is not "omitting anyting" really bothers me. Also, he is not "comfortable" with me hanging out with guys I have never been interested in, and yet he seems to see no double standard with this girl. This last time, I made it a big deal asking him how he would have felt if I had done the same thing. He says he understands how I feel, but he continues to rationalize why he did it. At that time, I felt like I could not trust him at all-his insecurity seems to be projection to me. He thinks I am trying to push him away, and that the bottom line is that I don't trust him and never have. We have only been dating for a little while and I tell him that trust is earned, and not by misleading me, and especially not by asking things from me that he isn't giving. I really like him a lot, everything else is wonderful, but I feel like still he has been lying to himself and me about this girl and her role in his life. If there is something more there, which I believe there is, I am okay with it if he tells me, but of course I will change my outlook accordingly. If he doesn't admit it, I don't think I will ever trust him.
This may be dramatic, but why not tell him that you don't want him to see "Buffy" anymore.
Since he has lied to you already, he should bear the burden of not getting what he wants. If he wants to continue seeing her, then he should let you see whomever you please.
Like you said, trust is earned and he needs to do more to earn it. Since you have only been dating a little while, it is important to resolve these issues soon because they won't solve themselves.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com