My Husband is a Royal Jerk

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I married for all the wrong reasons. My mother was way too controlling and I got pregnant and got married. The guy was a college grad and seemed to have good potential. I on the other hand did not know what I wanted to do really do with my life. And most dumb I was never one of those girls who wanted to be a mom.

So now I am a mom and my children are 16 and 20. I did all the right things and gave up much of my life and all of my dreams for the kids. I am pleased for the most part with them. On the other hand my husband began staying out drinking while the 1st chlid was still and infant and has continued and now added other harmful activities. He now goes out and stays sometimes 2 or 3 days. I am totaly fed up and really want out however I do not want the last child @ home to be without a father.

Am I crazy or what. I just feel totally uncomfortable around him most of the time. He is a complete know it all and we actually run a business together. I have made a mess or my life and just want help.

He does not want to go to a counselor and says he knows what the problem is. Each time he stays out he is soooooooooo sorry and quite decent for 3 to 7 days then his old arrogance comes forward. I have asked for a divorce many times and he says that he would not be married all this time (20) years if he did not love me.

What is wrong with me I am always feeling the urge to just walk away and disappear and it is getting much worse, this urge of mine now. Advice
Whatever reason you married for, that is in the past. We all do dumb things in our lives and we just have to go forward and do the best we can with the results. So now you have 2 kids that you love, which is great. But at this point in your life you have to look around you and say "Am I happy with this"?

The answer is that your husband is treating you completely badly. He refuses to talk to a therapist because he doesn't want to be told to change. He is quite happy living his wild life! Sure, he may love you in his own twisted way but he is treating you with disrespect. You are miserable. What if he was an abusive guy and loved you while he was bashing your head in? In these cases, they are not SHOWING love. They are SHOWING hate. And you need to get out of that situation pronto.

The most important thing a child must have when growing up is LOVE. If anything, all these years with a disastrous father has been harming them!! Can you really say that the example he is setting is not causing permanent damage to how THEY will think about relationships they enter into? People who grow up with parents who are nasty to each other think that is normal - and then they take that into their own relationships! Is that what you want for your kids?

If anything they will gain MUCH more from you making a stand and getting rid of this jerk and finding a guy who is GOOD for you. THAT would teach them something about what it means to be an adult. For you to keep taking it and teaching them "It's OK to be abused" is a really really bad lesson.

I would seriously talk to a therapist on your own, and then talk to a lawyer. Do not "ask" your husband for a divorce. He likes this situation because HE gets everything he wants, at your expense. Talk to your therapist, and then take action that is best for YOU.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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