She's Just Not Romantically Interested
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I'm currently best friends with this really attractive girl. It's a long story...I actually used to like her best friend, and got friendly with her to get closer to the person I liked...eventually though, we became friendlier, and I started to really like her. This was in February this year. At the beginning of March, I took her out to watch a movie and for dinner. At the time, I asked her out, and she said at the time to see how it goes and let things develop naturally.
Since then, we've developed into best friends, and we usually see each other 5 or 6 times a week. She's stayed over at my house a few times and we've been to watch movies, play bowling, been to the theatre and just spent time with each other.
There have been a couple of rough times. On one occasion, she ended up kissing her ex. after she had drunk too much alcohol, but she apologised to me, and felt guilty for hurting me. Also, she has recently tried to get another guy, again whilst drunk, whilst I was on vacation. He however isn't attracted to her and on the day I got back I went to her house for dinner and she told me instantly what had happened.
Things came to a climax last night, when I told her how deeply I feel for her...I don't just have a crush on her...I now actually care for her a lot. I think I may even be in love. Anyway, I wrote a letter because we had just been for dinner and to watch her favourite movie at the cinema. I gave her the letter at the end of the night, in case I tried talking to her and I missed something out or got tongue tied. In it, I told that if our relationship did develop and we ever broke up, then I wouldn't fall out with her, and we'd still be best friends. I told her just how much I care about her and how she'll never find anyone who cares more than I do (I didn't use the word 'love' as we are both only 17, and she may have got a little freaked out, or thought that I was exagerrating). Anyway, after she read the letter, I went to talk to her on the internet, and she said that we'd only ever be friends, as that is all she ever sees me as. I asked if there would ever be any chance, and she said she didn't think there would be.
I am now feeling confused...I really thought she liked me, as her body language and her words led me to believe. I don't know whether I may have timed it wrong...a member of her family is currently really ill and suffering from alzheimers disease. Also, she is going away tomorrow for a week. I had to let her know how I felt because of her trying to get the guy last week (who she may be seeing tonight...albeit with a group of people, and I am scared that the people she is with might try and force them together.)
I'm confused. I still am mad about her, and am desperate for things to develop, but I really wouldn't be able to cope if she ever decided to go out with somebody else. Added to this, I am annoyed at her for not even giving me a chance to prove how good we would be together. I can't fall out with her though because I have promised her that no matter what...we will always be best friends.
Have you got any advice on what I should do? Should I just leave it and let things develop naturally, or should I continue to buy her presents and take her on dates but bide my time until she is ready to give things a go between us?
I know it's hard, but she DOES like you - she's not ROMANTICALLY interested in you. You say she didn't give you a chance. You guys are already seeing each other practically every day - what more of a chance could there be than that! You don't "try someone out at kissing" and then say "oh it doesn't work". The whole point of a romantic relationship is that its most important part is being best friends and relating and communicating and then wanting to be romantic. She KNOWS you, she UNDERSTANDS you and she LIKES you as a friend. But she doesn't want to be romantic.
She doesn't have to "try kissing you" to know that. It's like if she didn't want to get her nipple pierced. She doesn't have to TRY it to be sure she doesn't want it done. It's just not something she's interested in. She is already great friends with you. It's not like she "hasn't gotten to know you". But you guys just don't fit together in a romantic way. Obviously she is finding other guys she DOES fit together with, so she has different tastes.
It's not that you are wrong or she is wrong. Every one of us is a different unique person and we have our own likes and dislikes. There is a woman out there who will love you just the way you are and who you will love. But to *force* this woman you're with to "change the things she wants from life" to therefore want you ... or to force YOU to "change your essence" to try to match what she is looking for would be WRONG and it would never work. She wants someone who IS a certain way, not someone who PRETENDS TO BE a certain way.
So be happy you have a good friend in her, and start looking for a woman who is MEANT to be your partner. This woman wasn't.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com