Accepting his past

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I'm 26 and have been dating / living with a total gentleman aged 48. We are like best friends and get along so well and have a relationship that people's healthy and fulfilling.

This man has been married 2 times before and has 3 children. His previous marriage ended due to him admitting to Sexually Abusing his step son for 2.5 years. His marriage was that terrible that he felt he had to do this to make the ex feel like she was loosing more than just him. He had no general sexual interest in boys or children in matter of fact. Due to the above situation he was sentenced to prison for 10 years, getting out in 4 years.

He has been out of prison for 8 years and in that time he has become a valued member of society, gained a lot of respect, a good career and good relationships with people. This was gained through time with a clinical pycologist...which I feel has made him into a very wonderful man who knows of his mistakes and is willing to work on them.

My problem is I was sexually abused by my uncle between the age of 2-9 and to find out about my mans past haunts me. I at first accepted his past and I saw him for who he was now...but after 6 months of him moving in with me and discussing having a family (which is to be done with a vasectomy reversal)I started to think of what it would be like if our future children where to find out about his past. Would I be able to trust him (which I do in every other way, except that)and would I be able to deal with his past if it was to come up and people where to find out about it.

Another issue I have is him having a daughter a year younger than me and a grand-son (4 year old)who he does not feel comfortable bathing when we look after him...but when asked if he would be ok with a boy if it was ours, he says it would not be an can I believe this?

My man seems real keen on me and wants to build a future together...he wants to make his future life better than his past and wants to do it with me. At first he did not like the idea of marriage and children, but over time he has grown to like it...not by my influence of course.

We have broken up for the 3rd time in 18 months (the time we have known each other)this time I told him to move out and let me move on with my life because of the obstacles / fears of his past....but after doing this I have noticed how much I still want him...but just don't know how to accept his out of the ordinary past. Advice
Unfortunately, I have to agree with you.

It would be nice if life could go on as usual after something bad happens, but it usually does not.

Your relationship with him is fragile... you have broken up three times in 18 months which indicates a weak bond. You were abused yourself. He abused his own son for two and one half years. He is uncomfortable bathing his grandson (although this could be out of fear of false accusations.)

You are worried that if you had a son, you would always be wondering about his past.

All these things suggest that you move on and find someone new.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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