Confused Fiance

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
My fiance and I have been together for one year and eight months. We were always a great couple, who really enjoyed our time together and very loving. Our big sticking point always came down to space...she is someone who needs a lot more time away from each other than I do. As we got closer and closer, and eventually moved in together last April, the alone time for her became less and less. I began to take a few things way too personal, including not wanting her to go away for nights, going to bed at the same time, or times when i wanted to have sex and she did not. Our biggest issue is she would accomodate to me, and I would keep pushing for the things I wanted. We actually started to see a therapist in November when I had a bad reaction to a weekend trip she was looking to take but I became stubborn and uwilling to change. Finally, two fridays ago, she came home very upset and told me that she was confused and needed space. Since that time, I have thought a lot about what has happened and appologized profusely about how I was wrong, took things way to personal, and sorry. I know how I acted was really not who I am and that i was just so caught up in everything that I just was not thinking/acting clearly and her requests were really nothing that I could not handle. Unfortunately, this past weekend, I also had shoulder and surgery she decided to go home so we did not see each other from thursday-Monday and just had a brief phone conversation each day. We also decided that we should pospone our wedding, which was planned this august and the only reason we are back living together is because of my shoulder, she wanted another 2 weeks on her own. When we went to our therapist last night, it came out that all that needs to be discussed has been, and there was no need for us to continue. She says she still loves me, she just says she is missing that "desire," which includes sexual but also to cuddle/do other things. I have just been trying to give her as much space as possible but also feel so terrible that I could lose her over my stubborness when I know how I acted was not who I really am and that we have so much potential together. Also, her support areas like her parents, dont give her any advice, they just tell her that whatever she decides, they will support her. Finally, she has other things emotionally wrong with her and has a very tough time making decisions, a borderline eating disorder, and unhappy with her work/career....she is an incredibly fragile person. Of course the lease for our apt is over on March 15th. I have been telling her we should just take everything day to day and just see what happens.....How do I get my girl back?? Advice
Usually you have to give a month's notice if you are not going to renew your lease so you need to decide soon.

Since you have seen a therapist, my advice is to think real hard about what the therapy did for you... and talk with your GF about it.

The spark seems to have gone out for her. This isn't easy at all to deal with. But, that is what you should focus on. Do romantic things for her like dinners, flowers, candy (dark chocolate). Ask her to accept these things as "friends" if you have to.

Taking things day by day isn't likely to get you a decision by March 15th. Don't push her to make a decision because few people react well to being pressured.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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