My Husband Wants a Nun for a Wife
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
My ex-husband and I were married four years. In the divorce he was granted custody of our son, (not that I was a bad mother, just active duty military) Him and I reconciled shortly after, and have been together a year now, not remarried, and the same stuff is starting all over again. I am very depressed when I am around him and get angry. He feels that my emotions and needs are bad, sex is a glutinest act, and that I am needy and clingy. We go months at a time with out any sex, or cuddling, and never make out any more. If he feels the urge to have sex than its OK, but if I want to make love to him, or try to seduce him, he gets angry with me, some times he tells me he is disgusted by me and what a whore I am, brings up my past adultery, or exboyfriends. He can make me feel so empty inside. I feel like as long as there is no intimacy our relationship is fine.
I need passion, and affection, and love, I just want some one to hold me and tell me they need me, want me, I mean something to them. Then comes in part two of my dilemma.
His cousin is our best friend, his wife treats him the same way, and now they are getting a divorce. Him and I have been spending a lot of time together, and relating on everything, our needs, wants, thoughts. I have always thought to my self God I wish I would have met him instead! But have never acted on any of this. I don't know if the feelings are so overwhelming because we are both so vulnerable. I want to go to him and tell him how I care for him and that he is every thing I want in life and always has been.
I know that he desires me to some point, the flirting and comments have been made clear, and last night when I was talking to him on the phone he told me that he doesn't want to be alone around me to much, he and my ex-husband where potty trained together and he doesn't want to jeapordise their friendship. I know that if him and I continue to spend time together, alone, like we will, eventually some thing is going to happen. We keep telling ourself's we will not but our actions speak louder. I am obsessing on this in my head and going nuts, any advice you can give me is much needed.
Your husband definitely has VERY unhealthy attitudes towards intimacy, and that is incredibly important in any relationship. Right now you must focus 100% on your relationship with him - either fix it or admit it can't be fixed. Explain to him that you're not happy with his attitude towards your very natural desire for sex. That ALL men and women enjoy sex and that it is hypocritical for him to think it's OK when he wants it but not OK when you want it. Ask him to go into therapy with you to address it.
If he says yes, then you have a chance and can work on resolving it. If he says no, then say that you're sorry, but there is no way a relationship can work if he has such an abnormal view about intimacy between a husband and wife. That you offered to work on it and he refused, and there isn't anything else you can do on your own. And call it quits.
You need to do that one way or another before anything else happens. You need to show yourself that you tried your best and either it was meant to be or it wasn't. If it wasn't, then you know you did all you could to make it work and your husband wasn't willing to meet you halfway.
Once it's resolved, you'll know what to do about the other guy.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com