What should I do with him now?
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
This guy and I have been dating for more than a year in college. The relationship was intense and technically unbreakable until....the summer. He lives 7 hours drive away from me and since i couldn't do long distant relationship because we ended up getting really frustrated of each other as a result of not seeing each other, i decided to break it off with him until school starts again and that was a promise.
Meanwhile, little did I know that A my best friend and he were flirting. Flirting over aim, text messages. I knew that they were both attracted to each other when I introduced them but i trusted them and didn't care. They were both exchanging nude pictures of each other, sending explicit sexual text messages to each other. I was unaware of it until some friend of mine reported that A was telling everyone in school that my guy likes her. I confronted him about it.
He somewhat admit that they were both flirting. I believed him and was hurt yet i forgived him and cut off A. When school started, we were back together but then...that's when i realized he wasn't fully completely honest with me. I found out about the pictures, the explicit sexual flirtations....i confronted him and he admitted them and i asked him "was there anything else?" he said no. And then the next month, i found out more stuff about it. That's when i broke up with him. I cannot trust him....But since i love him, i stayed to be his friend, and lover but not as his girlfriend.
he wanted me back and i told him to give me 6 months to forgive him and he has to be able to be completely honest with me, no secrets. For a while, it was great between us. But then....my sister reported to me that her friend I is creeped out because he's been texting her. He only met her 2x and she was my friend and then i cut her off because she completely changed. Little did i know he kept her phone number and texted her. She was never his friend!
I blew up and bitched at him. He denied it. Then, she showed me the txt messages that he sent and i was so angry. I do not know what to do with him anymore. I still love him but i cannot trust him...is this relationship doomed for real?
He sent me a message....and this is what he sent.
"I'm not sure how to say this, other than I really miss you and I can't stop thinking about you. I've messed up so many times and it just doesn't seem like I can ever make up for them all. Even though I tell myself that it's best just to let her go, let her find someone else. I can't make myself accept it. Seeing your profile picture makes me just want to hold you close. It brings up all of the old memories, of every time I've held you close and felt your heart beat with mine.
I understand not wanting to get back together with me. After all, I understand that if you had messed up as many times as I have then I'd have a much different perception of you.
I mean, even when I think I'm doing really well, I still end up doing something that is completely bad, without even realizing it until it's too late. I don't know why this keeps happening. Maybe I just really suck that much at seeing the whole picture. I only see whatís directly affecting me and thatís what I pay attention to. Of course then I fuck everything up because I donít see the big picture.
Something thatís been bothering me for a the last day or so is that in your message you said that I asked Isabelle why she would tell you I was texting her. What I actually sent was asking her ďwhatĒ she was telling you you. I donít deny that Iíve texted her. I wouldnít have ever denied it because I didnít think it was something to hide. The reason I asked her that was because it sounded like she was saying that I was texting her continuously. I asked her that because I was pissed. I had sent her ďHurray for 2008Ē and then I heard from you that I was texting her continuously. I thought that it was Isabelle telling you that lie. I wonít even hide the fact that Iíve texted her before that. You asked me why I texted her and the only reason I can come up with is that I was bored and she responded. Before you begin thinking that this is the Allie thing all over again, I was texting out of boredom, not desperation and horniness as I did with A. Iím sure youíve seen the texts so you could tell they werenít flirtatious.
I realize you probably donít even want to hear this and all you want to do is kill me. Iím sorry. Iíve messed up so many times and I probably donít even deserve to talk to you.
I only have one final message: I love you. I really do. The last few nights were like hell to me. When we get back to school I sincerely hope we can still hang out, even if I donít kiss you, donít sleep with you, and I just remain friends with you. Thatís enough for me. I wasnít lying when I said I wanted you to be part of my life. Thereís this empty place in my heart that you occupied and now I donít feel complete. Even to have you as a friend would help that wound to not feel so empty. Maybe it will even heal."
Most of my friends have told me to just cut him off from my life....should i do that? I know that may be what i should do, but i do not think that's what i want to do. Is there a way to make this relationship work once more? Or is it really doomed?
My advice is to write him off.
He has shown he can't be trusted and only returns to you when he feels like he is losing you.
If you can't trust him now, you probably never will be able to.
There are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com