Jealous Over Porn

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Me and my husand have been together for 6 years. I have always had some jealousy and trust issues, but hey have gotten worse over the years.

About 2 year ago I caught him looking at porn on the internet.(I found out while we were broke up, in the history files) The whole time he swore to me that he was not looking at porn nor did he want to. While apart he told me had looked at it and had been doing so for about three months while I slept or was at work.

We got back together shortly after and he told me again that we would not look at porn and did not want to, my problem is that i do not believe him, I always check up after him and we have porn blocker, a different one than before cause the other he got through some how.

Please help, should I believe him again? I drive myself crazy check after him all the time. Help! Advice
There are two things going on here. The first of course is the trust issue. The most important thing to possibly have in a relationship is trust and honesty, and for you to worry about him betraying you all the time is going to destroy the relationship. It sounds like you guys had other issues going on that were driving you apart, if you took a 3 month break. While porn might seem a "minor thing" to lie about, the fact that he could lie to protect himself then shatters your trust that he would tell the truth about anything that was important, and the doubt undermines everything you do.

So it's really critical to have him understand why lying is so incredibly destructive, to help you build your trust up in him again, and to heal the other problems that caused a lot of this rift in the first place. I do have pages on my site about jealousy but it seems that jealousy is only one part of a bigger problem. I'd really talk with a couple's therapist, at least for a few weeks to help you guys figure out what the real issues are and get started on how to address them. If you've been jealous for 6 years it doesn't sound like something you will just "solve" or that will vanish. If anything it will get worse and completely destruct the relationship.

Again, the lying about porn is just a symptom so focussing on it in particular is going to do you little good. However, I do have to ask - have you thought about why you made porn such a big issue? Most adults enjoy looking at the human body in one way or another. People watch movies with sexy stars in them, they get magazines with sexy men and women in them, they read stories that have appealing people. It's part of what makes people human. To appreciate what is in the world isn't something to be jealous about, it's a normal part of life. Now if he was abandoning you every evening to go roam porn sites for hours and hours, that would be one thing. But if he occasionally looks at porn, why not look at it with him and add some spice into your life? Many couples watch porn videos together sometimes and enjoy them. If it's not your cup of tea, that's fine. But I guess what I'm saying is that in a way to tell him "No Porn! Bad Boy!" is being sort of a mommy figure. It's like you telling him "You can't eat that cookie!! Bad! Bad!" It's just a casual interest, it fills a minor need he has, it doesn't cause you or the relationship any harm. Once you put your loved one into the position of feeling like the 'bad kid' and you as the 'controlling parent', the partner will start acting as a result AS a bad kid and doing things that bad kids do. Partners should really not be ordering each other around, they should do mutually things that the other one enjoys. If you found another solution to your jealousy over computer images, like watch them together or so on, it would make the subject something you "both agree on" instead of something he has to hide so his "mommy" doesn't find out.

It'd be like if he smoked and you yelled at him and said "no smoking!!" The chance of that working is slim, and the chance of him therefore sneaking it and lying to you is pretty great.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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