Is this it? Will I lose him because of this change in our lives?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I just recently ended things with my boyfriend of 5 years. I had just decided to quit law school and come home. He had been living away with me while I was at school, but when I made my decision he wasn't there for me at all. Rather, he was more concerned with himself and his own needs, so I got angry and made an irrational decision. I really just wanted him to wake up and see what he was doing to me, but now I am terrified. I have spoken with him twice since, the first time he told me that he does want to try again but he needs time. He admitted that he is really scared of having to grow up. Now that we are home he knows I will want to settle down, and things were extremely tense between us because of all of the stress. I didn't understand why he needed time at all, but now that I have read some of the other questions on this site about time and space I get it. I also see all of the things I have done wrong since. Now I am afraid I have dug a hole and pushed him too far.
He is a very selfish person, and even though I agreed to the time thing I panicked after a couple of days. I didn't feel in my heart that time was going to help us, we need to talk about the changes that are taking place. A couple of days later I went to where he is staying and basically broke down. I laid my heart on my sleeve and told him everything I was feeling and how much it hurts after all this time to hear that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. He said its not that he doesn't want to be with me, but that he needs time to clear his head, and to make sure that getting back together would be right for both of us. He said that he still loves me, and we were physically intimate.
I can deal with his selfishness issues. I have been for 5 years. It was the disrespect that I couldn't handle. But I know that if he would just try then we could have it so good.
I have been going crazy, and called him every night for about four days but he hasn't even answered. Should I take this to mean he is just forcing me to accept he needs time, or has he made his decision to not be with me at all? Do you think I have pushed him too far?
"He is really scared of growing up." That's what you said. And, that is the crux of the problem.
Nobody is happy if they don't grow up. You are assisting him in his bad behavior and I think he wants you to stop letting him get away with it. Stand up to him and let him know that for his own good he needs to grow up and stop being so selfish. This will really push him, but if he is a real person he will recognize the truth of what you say and respect you for saying it.
If, on the other hand, he really wants to continue to be selfish and immature, you should look inside yourself and try to figure out why you are attracted to such a mess. Stop calling him and give him the space he requested. Once you are communicating again then it will be time to stand up to him.
Use the discipline and knowledge you learned while studying law to seek a solution to your problems.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com