Trusting a Previous Boyfriend
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I am a lesbian woman in a relationship with a woman that used to have relations with men about 2 yes before she met me. She has a friend that I do like and trust with whom she had slept with years ago. But, there is this one guy whom I can't trust. He had oral sex on her and she kept him around after. When her and I started dating I caught her on his back giving him a massage in her room with the lights off. Why can't I trust them together?
In the end it doesn't matter if you're male or female, and what they did in the past. It comes down to how you and she feel about each other, and how she feels about this other guy right now.
Sit down with her and talk about how much you feel for her and how you value the relationship. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable when you see her being that close with her old boyfriend, because it makes you think she is also interested in a relationship with him. Some people don't mind multiple relationships, but you have to be clear about what you want and don't want. If you want to be monogamous with her, and she agrees to this, you have to agree what the boundaries are.
The only way to be clear about it is to talk about it. If she agrees on boundaries with you, then you need to trust her. People have friends, it's healthy, and often those friends are ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends. As long as it stays a friendship, that's fine. But if it becomes a 'secondary sexual relationship', and you both agreed on monogamy, then the trust has been broken.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com