Is there still hope for something later?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend ("Jim") and I had been going out for 3 months – he didn’t know this, but he was my first relationship.
Some history: We had both liked each other for a good amount of time but I was too nervous to talk to him even when he tried talking to me. Eventually we did talk as friends and when summer break came around, I sent him a message saying that we should hang out when we got back to school….obviously we did get together.
The Issue: We're both in college, but he's graduating this December (I still have another year) and has always talked about how he really wants to move out of state when he graduates - he absolutely doesn't want to stay around here. The week before we broke up, he was really busy with writing papers but we would walk to the library together after work, he would come over and hang out with me before I had to leave for work (I go in an hour before he does), etc – everything was fine. On Wednesday, he joined my housemates and I for dinner and everything was fine, but he had a big paper to write so he left to work on it - everything was fine between us - we kissed, held hands, everything was normal. On Thursday, we didn't really talk, but I called him around midnight (I had been drinking) and he was at the bar and said he couldn't hear me talking so I sent him a text saying that I missed him (which he always said to me, but I had never been the first one to say it to him until now). He didn't respond. We didn’t talk at all on Friday which I knew was weird because he always calls me especially if we’re not going to see each other. Then on Saturday, we were both at and he approached me and everything seemed fine. Well, since the beginning of the week, we had been planning on him coming over to my house and order some food (my idea, my treat) and just having a relaxing night since our week had been so hectic. He didn't know that I was going to make him dinner (He always cooked for me, but I had never really cooked for him and I thought it would be a nice surprise). So, when he came by my house later, he didn't act as excited/happy as I expected when he saw everything, but I had everything ready for him, and figured he was just tired, so we sat down and ate. We didn't really have a problem talking but he was more quiet than usual and when I tried to lay my head on his shoulder, he didn't put his arm around me or anything. I left the room for a minute, then came back and he had his phone in his pocket and I asked if he was leaving. He said "Ummm...I've been thinking for the past few days and I'm graduating in December and I don't think we should do this anymore." I was completely silent and taken aback by this and didn’t talk because I wanted to think about what I supposed to say. He said "this is hard for me" and I said it didn't seem like it was hard for him. then I was quiet some more and he repeated himself, saying he was graduating and moving away - not staying around here. Well, then I said that I knew and understood that, but that when we first got into this relationship that I figured he had thought about that and had decided to make it work out, but that I guess I was wrong. He nodded his head saying he understood where I was coming from. I told him he could leave and he was reluctant at first, saying he felt bad but I told him just to go. He said he was sorry and left. I called him a minute later when I thought of something and asked him if he had thought about this before, like when we were first together and if he had thought about it since then or if he had really just started thinking about it over the past few days. He said he had honestly just thought about it over the past few days.
I ended up not seeing him or talking to him and just went home for our week-long break. I did send him a text on Thanksgiving just telling him happy thanksgiving...my little way of saying that I wasn't mad. The first day we worked together after break, I didn't really talk to him, but he came up to me first and asked how my break was, etc. He would come up and talk to me throughout the evening and things were fine, even though I knew that I still missed him and wanted a chance with him. However, I also knew (still know) that he made his decision and I don't want to be the annoying girl who just can't accept that and keeps trying to make him make it work.
Anyway, whenever we're at work together, he's always the first to say hi and start a conversation between the two of us - for some reason, I'm still wary of approaching him first because he's the one who broke up with me so I want to make sure that he wants to talk to me. My car recently died and I asked him if he had jumper cables and he said yes and came over to my house to help me out. Well, my car is messed up so we couldn't get it to work and I had to pick up my roommate, so then he suddenly told me that I could take his car. I made sure he was serious and he was, so I took it. When I was done using it, I returned his key to him and just made sure that I told him that I was really appreciative of everything and that I'm glad we can still be friends (he said "me too") and then I just said that I just wanted to tell him thanks and that I care and thanks for being a nice guy. He then told me that if I needed anything or if I needed a ride anywhere just to let him know and he would be happy to take me anywhere I needed to go. Well, I said thank you and that if he also needed anything, I would be happy to help him.
My question: do you think that the whole "I'm moving away" thing was just an excuse and that he just really didn't want to be with me anymore so he used his graduation as an excuse? Or do you think that he really did just break up with me because he's planning on moving away and/or that he might still even have feelings for me? I just figure that if you really like someone, you will try to make it work, so him not trying makes me think that he just really didn't like me that much or just stopped liking me and didn't have the heart to tell it to me straight so he just said it was because of graduation. I know I probably should've made sure the night he broke up with me, that he was telling the truth, but it didn't occur to me to ask at the time and I know it's too late now because I would be bringing up something that probably shouldn't be talked about anymore. I just don't know if I should keep talking to him as a friend and hold onto some hope that we'll eventually work something out or if we end up in the same place, that there would be a chance of both of us being interested in trying this again. Or if I should just keep talking to him as a friend, but know that he's over it and there won't be a chance.
It seems that he is a nice guy who didn't think ahead.
He was probably enjoying his relationship with you so much that he put his departure out of his mind or hoped that something would work out.
However, once he started thinking about it he came to the conclusion that it was not going to work out. After all, there was a year and a half difference in your graduation dates.
You've both handled this very well, especially you, and my advice is to continue doing what you have been ever since the break up. Enjoy the Holidays and get ready for a new life separate from him.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com