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[Love is] to be two and at the same time one. --Sonya Levien



My Jealousy is ruining everything...



Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
I have always been known for my jealousy, it has lost me many friends along the way for one reason only it annoys them just as much as me

I know where it all came from which is a start I guess
My first boyfriend I had a relationship with on and off for about 5 years paid no attention to me at all
In fact he was better as a friend talked he to me more
He always used to flirt with my best friend they both told me it was nothing and I agreed and moved on

A couple months later they both confessed their love to each other in a room whilst at a youth gathering and it came out later that they had both been lying to me and I was left heartbroken as the two people that meant the most to me in the world had lied to me about the same thing

I couldnít bear to see them toghether but tried to get over it and saw that they were both happy, which gave me a sense of joy for some reason.

my best friends ex who happened to be my friend since he moved in the area was on their side as well it wasnít until he heard my side of the story that he began to sway towards me and my case.

I had liked this boy for ages during the time in which I was single and he randomly started talking to me and my best friend one day(this was before the whole best friend stealing boyfriend thing) he was so nice and we instantly connected

we both fancied him but kept it secret then she asked me about it one day and I said stupidly they would make a good couple which was the main cause for them getting together

I was too blind with love for my on and off relationship that i ignored my feelings and let the two date without saying a thing

The thing was her boyfriend would feel me up and flirt as a joke and we all knew it was a joke because they just did it for my funny reaction

Little did they know my feelings but after a while I just thought it was a good way to make my relationship stronger with the distance and the fact he may feel slightly jealous and talk to me more

my best mate and her boyfriend eventually broke up thanks to me pretty much which i feel really bad for

they werenít in love enough to save anything so they moved on quickly this was when the situation arose with my boyfriend and i was left all alone

the boy who went out with my best friend chatted to me and we became really close

he later asked me out which i originally thought was a joke because he used to do it a lot when going out with my mate so i assumed he was joking
when I found out he wasnít i delayed my response because despite how my friend had betrayed me and hurt me I considered how she would feel about me going out with her ex

After careful thought i said yes and it felt weird at first because my ex never hugged me and we never even kissed despite a 5 year relationship

Whereas my new boyfriend was fully experienced and was full on and wondered why I would sometimes push him away

It took a years worth of relationship between us to really get anywhere then finally on Halloween we shared our first kiss

This was my first ever kiss so it was special but I knew very well he lost his ages ago and had even snogged my best friend not that far back from then

Weíve come along way since then
And I can hardly believe that less than two years ago i wouldnít even hug him

Weíve already had sex
And have also performed oral on each other
And itís bought us so close as we both lost our virginity too each other

This made me feel special because I always manage to bring myself down that we couldnít share both our first kisses

Heís suggested marriage, engagement, moving in together which is full on but I would give anything for it

Basically weíve gotten through so much together that it feels that itís going to get somewhere

Being together has caused arguments between my parents and his foster parents

But it all seems worth it

The reason for some of our arguments is his past for he was sexually abused by someone he knew
Beaten by some family members almost raped by a family friend and ordered to play mummies and daddies In a sexual manner by a girl he knew
He was also cheated on by past girlfriends

We try not to talk about it but it makes him violent sometimes and he keeps his pain within him when he should talk

But despite all this heís made me feel so loved, wanted and the sex was amazing as it was great to feel so close to my first real partner

I was happier than I could ever have been with anyone
my best mate had split up with my ex and we grew close again during this time only for them to date again shortly afterwards

but by this time i had realised mine and her situation were not that different she loved someone that I happened to be with and vice versa

All was forgiven and we were both happy with our new found loved ones and the switch was definitely for the best

Me and my boyfriend had a few arguments over jealousy but it was nothing we couldnít overcome
Simple things like hugging my other friend which hurt but not enough for us to refuse to talk about and sometimes joke about

We built our relationship over time and all was going great until my best mate and her boyfriend grew apart because he just wouldnít talk to her and once again talked more during friendship

I knew exactly what she was going through but one day he dumped her and she ran over to our friendship group crying and flew into the arms of my boyfriend for comfort because we were too busy talking elsewhere

the worse thing was i was taking a picture of my friend at the time and in the background you could see the two of them hugging and it looked more that friendly to me which was clearly the jealousy speaking

I ignored it and also went over to comfort her but it became too much and I ran away and no-one followed me to see what was wrong
I spent the whole day wandering around in floods of tears why they didnít bother asking me what was wrong is all that i could think and why did it look like more than friends to me

I eventually wondered over to the group and saw them talking together and just froze

They saw me and all they did was wave at me

It made me feel terrible
Asking myself why when she was crying she got a hug and comfort and i didnít

I felt like I was everyoneís least favourite and even faked being ill so that i could spy on them

Nothing happened but for some reason jealousy just expects them to leap into each others arms and start making out and telling each other how much they love each other and how he is going to dump me when i return

When you know very well its not going to happen

I approached them and tried to pretend everything was alright but then he said something and I didnít reply because it hurt too much to communicate with him

I then just broke down in tears and ran off
he followed me and it ended up turning violent I punched him across the face because he said some mean things like I was over-reacting and he is fed up of my jealousy when he previously said he loves me for being like it because it shows him I care and donít want to lose him

It turned into a full on fight and we both ended up in tears ,battered and bruised
I got a bump on my head and he got one on the side of his head as well so we both suffered greatly emotionally and physically

We both then fell into each others arms weak and crushed
But something made it feel different

Both single we tried to make it though the day but we were so in love that the following day all was forgiven and we moved on because it made us both realise that we needed each other so very much

The bruises and bumps eventually faded but the jealousy and hurt in my heart would never disappear
Itís effected us ever since and we have been breaking up almost everyday non-stop since the hug

Because of the jealousy

Itís gotten to the stage where even if I see her walking on the far right and him on the far left I get jealous because of the height difference

me being taller than him and being used to the girl leaping up into the others arms
Itís perfect for him and my best friend

I am also prone to get jealous with my other friend as well now

And once my ex and my boyfriend pretended to be in a gay relationship for laughs
But I got so jealous that I demanded he dumped him which was stupid and felt like I had no say in it as I felt like I was being controlled by something

Itís gotten to the stage now where I cry each night and wonder whether ending the relationship for good will ease it

I canít even stand him talking to her anymore or having her make him laugh when I had no part in it
Even if I am laughing as well

deep down I want to slap her

But just recently my friends have been complaining that itís getting too much for them to handle and its getting pathetic

My boyfriend also started a thread on a forum that claimed he felt suicidal because he had been dumped over jealousy

All the replies featured me being called names and claimed as being not worth it ,not good enough and saying that he can find better

I felt crushed that someone outside the situation could say that

As they donít know the extent of it
Or anything that he has done to cause it or other things that added to the decision

I swore I would move on but later on today I took him back because I still love him with all my heart

The jealousy is becoming so bad that I have been looking online for therapistís hypnotherapies anything that I feel will help

Writing it down like this doesnít show the true extent of my jealousy but I need some kind of help to get over it

Sorry if itís too long Iíve just got so much to tell that might help resolve it

I donít know whether to end it or not because finishing things probably wonít help as it will happen with in future relationships as well so i msut find a way

Thank you for any guidance you can give to me

































RomanceClass.com Advice
Solving jealousy is one of the more difficult things to do.

The best solution is to go to a counselor and get professional advice.

You could go to this website for advice:

http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/LoveCat/23682

You could order "Taming the Jealousy Beast for Females" for $9.99 at:

http://www.romanceclass.com/ebooks/jealousy_f.asp

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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