My Ex has Run Off and Refuses to Make it Work

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
Me and my ex were together for about 4 1/2 years. We had discussed marriage and living together. He recently cheated on me but he says they did not have sex. I believed him and wanted to work things out since we came so far. He says that I would never trust him again and that it just couldn't work anymore. I said that it would, it may take time but lets take it slow. Keep in mind my hormones have been out of wack lately and I have been treating him terribly.

I have been at his house everyday, day and night . I was trying to get away from my home and being alone. I am not comfortable with myself. I think these are the reasons he really doesn't want to make it work. But know I see my faults and agree with him . I wanted to limit our time together and only do nice things for eachother and not fight. I know we can.

The problem is that he waits to tell me how he feels till the last minute. To make the long story short he said give him a week and we could date but that he would see other people because he thinks he cheated on me for a reason(everthing happens for a reson) . Then I get back to him and he said that its over and its not going to work , as he is crying. That he likes someone else.

I told him that I don't belive him. He says they have more in common. She likes to work on cars. Whatever. I know the girl and I know that she does not like him and they were childhood friends . What is going on here .

I want him back and I want him to just give us a small trial period to see if doing things different in the relationship will work or not. I am afraid he won't answer my calls. His roomate screens the calls. I need help I have put everything in to this relationship including lots of expenses. Please help Advice
It is very honorable of you to really want this to work despite his cheating, and to be willing to put in the time, effort and energy to save the relationship. But one of those sad and difficult facts of life is that one person alone cannot carry a relationship. Both people must *actively* and enthusiastically want it to work. If one person 'drags' another person into a relationship, it is going to fail.

It really does sound like he just doesn't feel like it's right with you. He had so distanced himself from you that he allowed himself to cheat on you ... and then to break up with you ... and then to get close to someone else. None of these indicate at all that he has the mindset to focus on you and you alone, to really work on the relationship.

Sure, he might be deluded about the car-girl, or on the other hand maybe she has changed her mind about him and likes him now. Or maybe car-girl was just a rebound girl for him and he'll go on to someone else. But I really think you need to accept that he's not interested in working on his relationship with you.

Every one of us has partners we work really well with. And the other times, things just don't fit. It's not "bad" or "wrong", it's just like. It's like trying to stick a square peg into a round hole. It's just not made to go there. If you two weren't right together, trying to force it to work won't help things out. Yes, I know that you pour time, energy and money into relationships. But another one of those life-facts is that getting out of a poor situation is always best done earlier rather than later. If you guys get this cleared up now, you still have decades and decades of life ahead of you. Pretty soon you'll look back on this period and it'll be a memory. And who knows, you may be with the guy of your dreams at that point and be SO happy that things worked out the way they did, so you COULD find that perfect guy.

So accept that this other guy just wasn't right for you. That the money and time was part of a learning experience, and that you did learn a lot. And that somewhere in your future is a guy that is really great for you, and it's time to head out and find him.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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