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Love and art do not embrace what is beautiful - but what is made beautiful by this embrace. --Karl Kraus



Does he like me, or justing being nice because I have a mental illness?



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Sorry this is so long (but it's not an 8 page novel), but I figured in order for you to make as accurate assessment as possible, you'll need all the evidence.

During the summer I met this guy from my college on Facebook. There was something about him that made me fall head-over-feet for him. I'm pretty sure it was a combination of his quirkiness, mature humour, and sensitivity that did it for me. It probably helped that he's quite the looker, but I'm more for personality than anything.

Anyway, I was feeling gutsy so I sent him an anonymous message inquiring about his relationship status and let him know that I thought he was cute and quirky. I got more of a reply back than what I was expecting. He was single and he let me in on his problem with attracting the wrong girls and that he was just attempting to look off the market until the right person came around. He's actually told me a lot of more personal and sensitive things, and I helped him out with some of them, I guess.

As far as relationship related things go, I know this about him:
-He hates dating because there's too much pressure to impress each other and not be yourself (I completely agree with him, and he knows it)
-He dated a girl that he thought he was going to marry, but she cheated on him
-He has a hard time making the first move
-He attracts really aggressive girls, which he doesn't like
-He planned on telling people he was off the market until he found a good one
-When I asked him if he was still single he told me that he was seeing a girl and he had planned on moving to something more serious
-A week or so later he mentioned that he was very single
-It's a month later and he is still single
-He doesn't want to be single

He's really nice to me. He was a bit of a jerk to me once before I actually met him in person, but after I called him on it, told him to grow up, and informed him that I was "leaving", he sent me a message apologizing, and we settled things.

Fall came and I moved away to college. It turned out that he was in one of my classes with me this term, and a lot of classes with him text term. The first couple of weeks he never said anything to me, and I never said anything to him. Then I messaged him on Facebook asked him how it was going, and told him that I was having a difficult time with the move and meeting people. The day after that he started talking to me a bit at school.

Anyway, I eventually got so frustrated trying to hide my feelings around him, so I sent him an email telling him everything. He sent me a rather long email back informing me that I made his day, that he knew how much balls it took for me to do that, and that he was going to give me a hug the next time I saw him, which he did. We sort of conversed down the hall for a bit (my illness makes conversing with people very difficult), until hit friend passed him in the hall and then, BOOM! he just ditched me and went after his friend without saying anything.

Recently I hit rock bottom, too depressed to get out of bed, and I messaged him that was going to be "ducking out" until after Christmas. He messaged me back asking what I meant, and if I was going home. I sent him a long email explaining everything that's wrong with me, how I felt with the direction my life is heading, that I didn't want people to get know the me that wasn't me, and that I was going to be back to normal after Christmas. He sent me another really long personal email encouraging me not to quit, and that he knew that I was struggling here, that I'm amazingly smart, so I'll be able to get through it.

I'm 22 and completely new to this whole dating/relationship thing. I've never been on date in my life, so I have no real idea how to tell if a guy likes me or is just being really nice. I don't even know where I sit because we've never hung out together with his friends. All I know is that we're above acquaintances. To add to the "fun" I have social anxiety disorder (I'm well on my way to being cured of it), which affects my ability to function in social settings. At first I just told him that I was really shy, but I got so frustrated with myself and I felt comfortable with telling him stuff, that I just told him what was really wrong with me. He's been really great about it, and whenever I'm feeling anxious, or start worrying, he helps to make me feel better.

Here's the evidence that suggests to me that he may like me:
-He's constantly mentioning my intelligence
-He hugged me (but I sort of assisted that one when I suggested I wanted to hug him, but I was too shy)
-He has nothing but good things to say to me and about me
-He's very encouraging to me
-He tells me things about himself (more sensitive things) that he doesn't normally tell other people
-He recently started "cuteifying" my name by shortening it, and adding a Y to the end (but he does that to other girls that he's close with)
-He says 'hi' to me if he's not in a group of people (He seems to ignore me if he's with his friends in the hall)
-He patted me on the shoulder once when he walked into class and I was sitting down
-He high-fived me once
-He casually mentioned that I should come with him for Thanksgiving next year when I told him mine wasn't so great
-He purposely kicked my table into me in class class one morning
-Another morning as he was walking in late, he knocked on my table
-I used to catch him looking at me ALL the time
-He's usually pretty good about answering my questions
-He did some weird little dance in front of me in at school

Here's the evidence suggests to me that he may not like me:
-He never comments on my looks
-I generally have to initiate any messaging on Facebook
-He pretty much doesn't talk to me at school
-We never hang out
-He never asks me questions in an attempt to get to know me better
-He knows I like him, and he keeps getting depressed that he doesn't have a girlfriend, yet he's never made any moves towards any type of a relationship with me, or even asking me out for a cup of coffee

I know there's a lot of good signs there, but the last not so good sign is such a big one to me, that I can't help but think that he's just being really nice to me because he knows I'm going through a rough time here. I have no problems waiting this out and see how things go after Christmas once I'm back to my old self. I feel like this guy is the best thing that ever happened to me, and that he truly understands me (I generally can't talk to people about anything personal, so there's something about him that just makes it so easy.), and is there for me, so how do I move on if he's not actually interested in me? I honestly believe I could spend the rest of my life with him.




RomanceClass.com Advice
My advice is to wait this out and see how things go after Christmas.

Meanwhile, enjoy the nice things he is doing and don't worry too much what his motivation is. He probably is nice because he likes you and also because he knows you are down in the dumps.

Good luck! George


-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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