She won't believe I've changed. How can I get her back?
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I was in a relationship with someone I loved and wanted to be with forever. She works as a singer/model and I work as a doctor, there was an 11 year age difference but we shared a similar sense of humor and views on life. We met in romantic circumstances, instantly attracted to one another and quickly fell in love. It was passionate and intense. within 3 months we'd holidayed twice and spent just about all our free time together. Despite this I began to become possessive, disliking her spending time with her friends (who at the time I saw as drug taking, sycophants). I suffered insecurity and jealous thoughts despite her many reassurances. Our love and attraction was still there but we would argue a great deal, bizarrely the arguments would nearly always be about the fact we argued too much!
Then it happened. she became pregnant and asked me what 'we' should do. I wasn't ready for a child but loved her so much that I said I'd support her no matter what she wanted. She decided to have a chemical abortion, initially I agreed but once it became a reality I wanted more than anything for her to keep the baby. By this stage she and her family were convinced a termination was the right thing to do and I could not voice objections for fear that I would lose her or cause even more distress.
Following the abortion things deteriorated further, I became short tempered, more controlling, critical and we would argue every day. We mutually agreed to some time apart. By this stage I'd realised just how awful my actions had been and how much the pregnancy had affected me so I sought counseling. After a few sessions I felt all the insecurities and upset melt away. I contacted her and we met, things were passionate at first but later she began to cry and said 'I can't do this anymore, I love you but I'm not in love with you, we are just not compatible'.
I still love her and am now in control of the insecurities. The relationship has been over for 5 weeks, I can't help but feel if we tried again we could make it work. I contacted her a few times and asked for her to meet me. each time she has said no because she feels that if she spent time with me that she would fall in love and then I would hurt her all over again. The last time I contacted her (3 weeks ago) she was cold and aggressive and despite the fact I remained calm she became enraged, saying we were arguing again and I had obviously not changed. She seems to be able to just cut off emotionally, in the past she's moved on quickly following the end of relationships and has stated that she should never go back with an ex.
I want some advice. I just want a chance to make things right.
How can I make her see that I have changed and that we could now be happy together?
You are probably in your 30s. So you've had 30+ years of living and training to develop a need for control. You wouldn't be a very good doctor if you were not controlling. You need for things to happen the way you want them to (and for good reasons...the good of the patient or research.)
I would suggest that your few sessions with a counselor could not have changed you very much and that the melting away of insecurities and upset was your mind trying to cope with a threatening situation. Sort of like the patient who is hurting and goes to the doctor only to discover that the hurt has "magically" disappeared. I recall something like that happening to me once. My ex-wife and I went to a marital counselor for the first time and my tensions mysteriously melted away like your did but nothing substantive changed.
The proof of the pudding was when you called her three weeks ago and "she became enraged." My guess is that like many artistic people, she dreads and dislikes control. She likes free expression. So she may have been hopeful that your therapy had helped but then became enraged when she detected that nothing significant had changed... even though you felt that it had.
They say opposites attract and often they do, but just as often they soon find out that their opposite qualities come between them showing up as arguments.
As this website and the reply letters state, this service is for entertainment only. I am not licensed and you can consider this advice to be from a friend.
My advice is that you need more counseling and my expectation is that it is improbable that you and your woman will get back together. But ask your counselor who knows your situation better and is trained to give informed advice.
Good look! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com