Giving my Girlfriend a Lie Detector Test
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
my girlfriend of 3 years, who i have a 2 year old with, was up set at me and not feeling good about herself, and hade an affair for 3 months with a guy who works with me, and also had casual sex with another guy that works with me.
i found out almost everything on my own, after 7 months of lying she's now telling me about things i had no idea about. she claims she wants to be honest now and get it all out. there are things i still think she's lying about.
so my question is : is it unreasonable to ask for a lie detector test? she says it is and refuses to do so, it makes me more suspicious.
Well first off, there's no such thing as a 100% accurate lie detector test. All a test can tell, in the hands of a trained professional, is if the person is nervous about saying something. Many people easily lie with lie detector tests going, and others fail at them completely just because they're nervous. So there is never any way to "prove" if someone is honest or not.
The whole point of a relationship is that it is based on trust. If you're even resorting to lie detector tests, it means you DON'T trust her, and that therefore taking the test is moot. If you don't trust her, you're not going to have a relationship that works with her. If you did trust her, you wouldn't need the test.
If she has a one night fling and was sorry, that would be one thing. But she went off with two different guys, for prolonged periods of time and then lied to you about it for months. This isn't someone that will just turn around and become faithful and honest and true. It's someone that feels that, when things are stressful, that doing whatever she wants to is an OK solution. So even if you got things unstressful right now, what happens if things get stressful again?
I would simply tell her that you can't trust her now. She has actively shattered your faith in her. Because of her history of lies, you can't trust what she tells you now is true. She should understand that! It is her own actions that have driven you to this point.
If she wants things to work out now, and really is dedicated to making them work, I would suggest going to couples therapy. That can help you get through the betrayal and start learning how to trust her again - and help her really understand why what she did was so wrong and teach her coping skills so she acts differently under stress. But I really don't think she can get through this on her own, and if you're going to accept her as a fully 100% part of your trusted family again, you're going to need some help too.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com