I am cheating but I still care for her
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I have been married for 3 years. My wife is amazing, we've been together for almost 10 years. We are both in our twenties, I am a couple years older. Over 1 year ago, I stopped having sexual interest in her. I loved hanging out with her and she is very attractive but i just didn't want to kiss her and I didn't know why. About 10 months ago, a co-worker who is also married became very close. It was the most ridiculous thing in the world. I couldn't wait to go to work to see her. We were perfect for eachother, and were inseperable. My wife disliked her from the get-go but I assured her that we were just friends and we were both married. Well then it happened. We both knew that something was odd about this. This was greater than love and we addressed the issue. We were in love. It was beautiful but terrible at the same time. My co-worker suggested not seeing eachother at all and offered to quit and move away, i however could not live with that. We both had problems at home before we met but neither of us were out looking to cheat. Unfortunately, the more time we spent together, the less I cared about anything except this amazing woman. In my opinion, the affair had already begun, because i felt terrible about having feelings for another woman. And then we kissed. And then we made love. It was amazing and sickening to go home to different people after the fact. About 2 months into it, the "other" woman filed for divorce. She looked at a house and asked if i liked it and I said yes. She bought the house and moved in. We both agreed that eventually we needed to be together, I do need her. As it turned out, she also needed me. Shortly before she started working with me she had gone through a 2 year bout with severe depression. Her doctors suggested that she work with me when I offered her the job because we were friends in school. Being with me got her out of her depression. She put on much needed weight, she was happy, she stopped randomly crying. I was totally in love. After she bought the house she immediately assumed that I would move in. I was having trouble looking at my wife whom I essentially grew up with and relied on and telling her that I wanted a divorce. Sure, she had been upset for months but all that she ever asked of me is to come home. I never did. I worked constantly and stayed late to hang out with this woman. I tried to explain to the "other" girl that it was hard and I needed a little time and she freaked out. For two months I received thousands of phonecalls, she questioned my every move and said terrible things to me. When she was calm, she of course took it all back and told me how much she needed me but explained that she only said those things out of hurt, which I caused. I tried to explain to her that I just needed time. I know that this isn't fair to anyone but it's the friendship that I have and the memories that I have with my wife that is so very hard to end. One night, the "other" woman attempted suicide. She called my phone over night and left a message saying goodbye. I found her in the new house and called 911. She's okay, but very depressed. These past 3 months have been rough. I do love her but she constantly tells me how terrible I am for "making" her attempt suicide. That it's all my fault. She admits that we should not have had an affair but when she filed for divorce, I should have done so the same day. She constantly rubs in the fact that she bought this house FOR US and it's so unfair of me. The worst part is that these past 2 months I have found myself lying to her and now i'm pretty much lying to everyone which has sent me falling apart. I never meant to lie, it just seemed that every time i told her something that she didn't want to hear, she would have a huge episode and I couldn't deal with it. She also asked an insane amount of questions. Where exactly I slept last night, what I was wearing, why those color of underwear, etc. I admitted all of my lies which just made me out to be a "monster" in her eyes. She now checks my receipts, shows up at my house and makes threats. She is very insistent that my sadness is self inflicted because of the affair and because of all of the lies which is very true. She also is very insistent that once we're together, she won't ever act like this. I'm scared. I've never met someone so beautiful, smart and sensitive and I do want to be with her. I also have never been so scared to hurt someone, worrying what she might do to herself. I also don't know how to leave my wife who did nothing wrong at all. She has done nothing wrong! She is the most caring, understanding, rational, easygoing person I have ever met, and I'm afraid to lose that. I miss us. But I do truly love this new woman. I realize that I have been selfish. I realize that this is bigger than any crime and I feel terrible. I just don't know what to do. My wife is perfect. Divorcing her would crush her. Telling her about this affair would kill her. This new woman is amazing and so many things are different about her and I just love it. She is so real. Her sensitivity is the most real thing that I have ever seen and I am more passionate for her than I ever have been for any woman in my entire life, including my wife. Unfortunately, when I tried to explain to her last week that I do love my wife and it was hard to leave, she was "hurting" when I explained it and literally attacked me leaving blood and bruises. She apologized after the fact but still claimed it never would have happened if "I" hadn't made her crazy. Now she needs a couple of days to decide if she can forgive me. What do I do? I love my wife but I have cheated and I am not passionately attracted to her. I miss her. I love this new woman and believe that we could be really happy together but it also scares the daylights out of me. Is it worth the risk? Is this depression really all my fault both hers and mine? I feel so terrible. Work is suffering because this woman takes one to two weeks off at a time because I've hurt her so bad. I feel like I don't have the time or the heart to speak with my wife because everyday I am exausted by this secret (not that secret) relationship. Everyone that sees us together just figures that we should be married but they don't see all of the hurt. I'm sorry for the lengthy question - please help me (p.s. - I read the disclosure at the bottom of the page. I am not asking for any help with depression and I do not feel in danger, I just want to know what to do.)
The best advice I can give you is to see a professional counselor with this new woman...or meet together with her current counselor.
This situation is very, very troubling. The risk, as you pointed out, is that even if you go with the new woman, she may revert to her depressed self after a honeymoon period. Unless you think it would freak her out, consider calling up her ex husband and finding out some of her history from a different viewpoint. You run a high risk of her going off if she finds out and she probably will. You decide if it is worth it.
She is definitely a highly troubled woman... trying to commit suicide and then bloodying you and taking weeks off of work. You need someone to give you real advice. Also consider getting solo counseling if you think that would work in addition to or instead of couple counseling.
Bottom line, you need far more help than an internet advice columnist can give you.
I wish you the very best of luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com