Lying About your Past

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
i'm a 19 yeaar old college student i have been with my current boyfriend for 2 years. before i knew him i had made some bad choices in my life, i lost my virginity when i was 14 years old of course i am ashamed of this. when we first started going out he got curious and would ask me things and i lied to him. a few weeks in the relationship became a few months and every time he asked i kept lying about a year into the relationship i came clean and told him everything, now a year later he constantly accuses me of cheating on him and he keeps throwing my past in my face like it is his to hold against me.

how should i handle this? i dont want to separate because i love him and he loves me. is he taking advantage of the situation? Advice
The issue is that you've lied to him constantly for a solid year because you didn't trust him. Now after all that time you're asking him to trust you - that NOW you are telling the truth and being honest - and he's having of course a lot of trouble with this. All relationships are based on honesty and trust. You caused a very important part of your relationship to be based on lies and deceit and that can be really, really hard to recover from.

The issue is that you have to rebuild his trust in you. All the things he's saying are symptoms of his distrust - his thoughts that if you lied to him about your past, why wouldn't you lie about your present, too? I would consider going to therapy with him if he isn't getting through this on his own. But it will take time, and it will take a lot of work on your part to show him you really do understand why what you did before was so wrong, and you fully understand that you would never do it again. You need to really live this fully and completely so he can grow to believe it. I have many pages on the site about recovering from a betrayal, which in essence this is. Hopefully they will help ...

-- from Jenn
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