Broke Up Over One Fight

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I had what I thought was a great relationship for exactly three months. From the beginning, there were no visible problems. We both felt as if we had known each other forever and everything came easy. Our love was strong and I thought, despite my insecurities and fears, that this was going to be it, to the point that even our friends and family assumed that this was really intended for marriage.

And then, a week ago, we had a fight. It was the first time I saw him cry because of me. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say to him. So I decided to leave him alone to collect his thoughts for around two days. I thought we would talk about it and that would be it. Everything would be ok. But the next time I talked to him, he said suddenly that I've already hurt him too much and that he wishes he were in a better place to handle everything, but that he had to face that he wasn't. He can't give me what he thinks I need and he gave up. He broke up with me. But he also said that he still loves me and will miss me. He was sorry that he couldn't keep me and that his mind cannot be changed.

It's been a week and I've tried to console myself with the fact that at least we still communicate through calls, even if it is for brief, impersonal, small talk. But I don't know how long I can take this. I love him so much. And I can't forget that he loves me too. It's obvious that we're both miserable alone. How can I make him see that we can work this out? How do I make him reconsider? How can I at least make him open up his mind enough to think about giving me another chance? Advice
OK, here's the thing. In the first 3 months you are always in the 'rush of new love' stage - where everything seems perfect, life is rosy, things are wonderful. That's your hormones working, it is how nature has evolved romance to give you the best chance of 'sticking'.

But real life is NOT like that. Real life involves ups and downs, difficulties, disagreements and things to resolve. The REAL test of a relationship - the real test of love and meaning - is how you do in those real life situations. And it sounds like when you had your fight, he cried, which is normal. You were shocked, why? Because he showed emotion in front of you? Guys cry all the time when they are sad. Just like girls do. So the fact that you'd never had one of those normal emotions hit your relationship sort of means it hadn't really been tested yet. And you abandoned him when he was sad and needful, instead of standing by him.

In return, he's decided that the only relationship is a perfect one and that at the first sign of trouble he's going to run away. Which is also highly unreasonable. ALL relationships have ups and downs! They all have tears and smiles! The MEASURE of a relationship is how you *handle* those situations, to handle them side by side.

So you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him - I have advice for talks on the site. Ask him why you both fled when things got just a little rough? Aren't you in it for the long haul? If so, you're going to face FAR more difficult situations along the road of your long lives. This is just a training ground. You really have to learn how to talk about troubles, face them and get through them. That's what makes a relationship last. NO relationship is perfect. Just ask any older, married couple. But the reason they stay married is that when they hit bumps, they worked through them.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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