Too early to give up?

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
I met this guy at his job. We started talking over the phone, and 2 weeks later, I let him spend the night in my dorm room, only because I was leaving to go back home to NYC the next day. We didn't do anything sexual, but I knew I was taking a risk physically and emotionally by letting him spend the night.

I went into this thinking that I would try to get to know him for the four months that I'd be away, and then we could pick back up where we left off, but now I don't even know if thats gonna happen.

It's been almost 4 months and I don't know where I stand or where things are going, and it's almost time for me to go back and possibly see him. I feel that things have changed, and at first I thought that he may have lost interest in me because I've been away for so long, and we barely knew each other before I left, but now I'm thinking that there are other reasons, and I'm very worried.

Things started out perfectly at first, he called almost everyday, we talked almost every night. He told me things that he would never tell anyone else, and I felt like I could trust him. A month went by and although he was calling less, I still felt that everything was fine. I got so excited about finally having a new man in my life that was different than the rest that I slightly mentioned him to my parents. But from then on things got worse. Calls became less and less frequent to the point where I started to think that either he was over me, or he died, but when he did call, he changed my mind.

For some reason he led me to think that I was the only girl that he was trying to be with. He made me completely forget the fact that I just wanted to be close friends until I came back after my 4 month vacation. I admit that I started to get attached a little, but I quickly deterred myself from those feelings fearing that I would be hurt again, just like I was in my last relationship. The thing is, I know that if he really is the person that he says he is, this will be my best relationship yet, which means it will hurt the most when it's over, especially since I'm considering giving myself to him.

In the beginning he told me about how he would quit smoking, clean up his act, get a new place to live and a car, etc., not just for himself, but for me as well. Now we barley talk and my vacation is almost over.

I confronted him about him not calling me as much as he used to. I asked friends for advice, and they all told me the same thing...."maybe he isn't worth it because he obviously doesn't want you". Although a part of me agreed with what my friends were telling me, another part of me didn't want to accept it. After all, how could you all of a sudden not want someone anymore after you vow to drastically change your life for the sake of the relationship? I asked him how he felt about me, and he assured me that his feelings hadn't changed.

After I confronted him, he started calling regularly again....for a week. He later went back to the same habit of never calling, and I got more and more bitter and depressed with every day that went by.

Finally thinking that I've had enough, and wondering if the reason for him not calling me was because he was promising other girls the same things that he was promising me, I decided to go on myspace and make up a fake profile. I knew that this was really sneaky, and this was probably the worst thing that I could do to him and myself, but I had to know if he was the type of guy that I should be thinking about everyday and ultimately crying over every night.

I hoped and prayed that he would tell this "girl" that he was willing to talk but he was currently interested in somebody else, and asked him through the fake profile if there was someone he was currently seeing or interested in, and he replied no. He told her, "i have a couple friends but people say i get serious to fast and i probaly scare them away" (myspace message).

I don't know where I stand with him, and it bothers me because I'm starting to think that everything he ever told me was either a lie, or just some type of bait that he was using to get me to give him the upper hand. Part of me is starting to think that maybe he's a mistake, but an even bigger part of me wants to go through with this, because I feel that he is different, and if he doesn't cheat, we could go pretty far.

Just recently, he called me and told me that he wanted us to be together and he asked that I don't give up on him. Hearing him say that gave me hope, but only a week after he says this, things changed.

Appalled from the last message he sent to the "myspace girl", I called him immediately and asked him if he was talking to other girls in the way that he talks to me. He admitted that he was talking to about 2 or 3, but that it was nothing serious. I was surprised that he didn't lie, but it made me think that he probably would've never told me if I didn't ask. I called him back an hour later and told him how I felt. I told him that I questioned him because I wanted to know if things were going to be different between us when I got back. He said that he didn't know, and now I'm really disappointed. He said "Don't worry about it though, I'll get back together with you", but his tone suggested otherwise. Even though he tried to reassure me that things were gonna be okay, I still have a hard time believing that he'll only be with me or that he even wants to be with me anymore.

His reasons for not calling are always that he's working hard, and he's trying to get his life together, and although he is working 2 jobs, he was working 3 when I met him and had time to call then,so to me, there is no excuse now.

Now that I know that he's talking to other girls besides me, and he now says the he's not sure what's gonna happen when I get back, even though he reassures me that everything is okay, what are the chances that he really does still want to be with me? And should I be worried and start thinking that it's over before it even started? Should I just put in my mind that all our feelings will rush back as soon as we see each other again?

I don't know what to do. I don't wanna lose him, but I don't know if he's worth trusting. I feel as if I may have lost him already, considering that I had him. I need to protect my heart from being broken again, but I still want to let him in.

I know that I should just let things be, and whatever happens happens, etc. but I need a much better answer than that. Advice
You only saw him for two weeks and then you went away for four months.

This is a very chancy situation and it is surprising, but nice, that you were able to maintain contact over such a long time. My guess is that the feelings will come rushing back when you are together again.

His talking with other girls seems pretty mild considering what else he might have done in your absence.

Have a long talk with him when he returns and express your concerns.
Based on his responses, you can make a determination as to whether you want to put your heart into his hands or not.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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