confusion and decisions

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
12 years ago I was in my 20's and in a bad marriage, I met a man (Gabriel, not real name) who was married with kids. We knew at first sight, I left my husband within a week, even though I knew that I would never be with Gabriel, I also knew that I couldn't stay with my husband. Gabriel and I spent some limited magical time together, and then he moved several hours away. I went through horrendous heartbreak, in fact it wasn't until years later that I realized that the majority of my awful behavior was because of the pain and grief I felt from losing Gabriel. We emailed on birthdays and holidays, maybe 5 phone calls over the years. Somewhere along the way I realized I wasn't getting Gabriel back and decided to marry someone else (Andy) and have kids. There wasn't a lot of love involved, he was an alcoholic mess and I wanted to save him. Right now, he's been sober a year, the kids are doing well, and things were peaceful for once, not loving, but calm. Then Gabriel shows back up under crappy circumstances (unmarried however) and is living 20 minutes away, and we are right back where we started. I love him, I will always love him and I want to be with him (we still haven't had sex). I want to leave my husband and be with Gabriel eventually, but Gabriel has a lot to work out and I'm not saving anyone else. Andy has met Gabriel, and knows he's an old friend, but doesn't know my true feelings. I want very badly to tell my husband my true feelings and intentions, but what's the point? But if I stay with my husband and continue to see Gabriel, with the intention leaving, I feel horrible, I can just imagine the conversation going "gee honey, you know that guy I'm been telling you is just an old friend who needs help? well, I lied, and I'm moving in with him" I can't do that to Andy, and I can not lose gabriel again, never. I'm afraid Andy will start drinking again, I'm afraid he will become angry and spiteful and vindictive again, and possibly use the kids to do it. Do I tell andy now? Do I wait until I work things out with Gabriel and feel like a liar? Most people tell me I should stay for my kids (I have yet to hear a better answer), but I was thinking of most of my adult friends, and the most well adjusted are the ones from divorces. My parents stayed together, Andy's, etc, and we all turned out screwed up, so is it really better to stay in a loveless marriage for my kids? I am very confused. Advice
I am sorry you are in this situation.

My advice is to see a professional counselor. You need more help than I am capable of giving you. You need to figure this out by talking with someone in person who can give you good advice.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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