She's Mailing Money to her Ex

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My fiance is still communicating with her ex-boy friend. One day I walked in on her writing a note to him to be mailed. I asked her about it and she stated that he wanted to remain friends and she was writting to tell him that she didn't want to be friends. Then I noticed her slip a check into the envelope. Once again, I confronted her. This is when I found out that she owed him money. I told her that I would give her the money to pay him off so that he would be out of our lives for good and she refused.

Well, she's been making "payments" every payday to him. She recently came into some money, so I thought that she would have paid the debt off. Once again, thinking that he would then be out of our lives once and for all. She didn't pay him a dime.

This is starting to make me question our relationship and the pending marriage. She says that she truely loves me and wants no other. But, I'm not sure. I love her dearly and would be absolutely devastated if I lost her.

Where do I go from here. Should I ignore it and let her take care of the debt on her own hoping that she truely does love me? Advice
All she is doing is mailing him letters. She isn't thinking about him romantically or betraying you or anything else. She has a debt that she owes him and she is paying it off slowly. One of the most important things a person can do is take care of their own obligations. I would never let one of my boyfriends pay off debts for me. If I incurred them, it is my duty and obligation to repay them. So her doing this does not mean at all that she does not love you! It means that she wants to pay it off on her own, in her own time.

You want to get rid of this ex. But most people have exs that they are friendly with, it is a nice part of life to have friends around. You need to stop looking at this guy as a threat. He is just someone that she knows. She says she loves you, and all relationships are based on honesty and trust. So you've talked with her about this, she's explained it. You need to believe in her and her love and accept this as part of who she is.

As far as you wanting to have her pay him off immediately, I actually can see her point of view. As it is, he's bugging her and she's apparently annoyed by it. If I had a guy that was being annoying me at the moment, the last thing I would do is send him lots of money! I would continue to drag it out so he only got the money in small drips, what we had agreed on. If I got a large windfall of money, that's mine to enjoy! I'm not going to give it to my ex. He can just wait for his small checks like always and eventully he'll get his cash.

So it very well could be that she is happy giving him small amounts slowly instead of "rewarding" him with a big fat check that he could use on something big for himself. In any case, let her handle her own finances the way that suits her. We all do our finances differently and have our own styles. That just happens to be hers, and as long as she isn't coming to you broke and begging for money because of mismanagement, it's really not a big deal at all.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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