How should I continue to handle my situation? what do you think my ex's intentions are?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
(This is a long one but I think its better than doing a 2 part questionair)
so I am just laughing at myself for how many times I have gone back and forth with this ex thing. So we have been broken up for 5 months now (5 months this day) and my ex and I have been in low contact for the past 3 and in close contact the initial 2 months. I thought I had reached a point to just end all of this and cut all contact between us, I decided though that I would call her and give her one last chance and ask her for lunch and see how that goes...I called her one day and no answer or returned call, called her the next day and no answer, said to myself "fine, thats it then, she obviously doesnt want to talk and I am tired of trying" right then she calls my cell phone..I answered in a friendly manner and right after she said hi, she said that she didnt want to talk over the phone, that she hasnt seen me in a while and wanted to know if I was free later this afternoon.
I said I had a class but I would be free for a short time before, I was on my way there and she called saying that she got out of her class early and if I wanted I could show up earlier than planned (didnt get this message until i was almost in town due to poor coverage on the back roads ), when I called her back she was doing a quick errand and said she would be a few minutes late, after I got there she called me and said she was on her way towards me, I asked how far away she is and she said about 15 minutes...I told her that it will be best if we try to see eachother another time, she agreed and we decided to meet on saturday at 1 for lunch and hung up. Later that night I get a text asking what time I get out of class, I got out a short time later and texted back that I just got out and whats up? She said "go to the choir concert and hang out with me!"... ...I thought about it and asked how long the show is and she said about an hour, that I dont have to go...I thought about it (inside I want to go soo bad) and I told her a little while later that lets just plan on hanging out on saturday for lunch (I wanted too soo badly but I dont want her to think that I will jump to hang out and see her whenever she asks)..no text back..
So I get invited to go on a wakeboard trip for the weekend, I thought "why not". I called my ex at 6pm on friday and told her that I am going to have to cancel on our lunch for saturday, that I got invited on my friends birthday wakeboard trip last minute...she seemed fine about it (a little bit set back but not enough to truely be obvious, i know her though and picked up on it), I asked her how she was doing today and she said fine, that she is at home uploading pictures and thinking of something to do tonight, i said thats nice and blah blah and hung up. Later on I was going to the movies and decided to invite her, i texted saying if your still free that my friend joe and I are going to a movie at 940, you and whoever else are welcome to go. She said that she would like that, that she will call me later...SO later that night I get a text at 830 from the ex saying that she is sorry but she is really tired and doesnt think she could make it.. I said thats fine and wished her a good night and also that I will call her sometime when I get back from the trip and plan when we could meet for lunch, she said thanks and wished me a good night.
The wakeboard trip fell through! :(. I texted the ex around 5 on saturday saying that the trip ended up not working out and said that we should go for lunch after church on sunday, she said sorry but she couldnt because she is meeting a group for a project in her class I said its no problem, that it was last minute and I wasnt expecting anything. That was it, no reply from her or anything...
So I decided to not contact her anymore for the week since I have tried now a couple of times and it didnt work out. (dont want to seem pushy or needy)
She has been willing to hang out before and has been kinda flirty with me, then to pull away again and be distant in a sense. I think this was because I began to show her attention again and that she knew that I was there and she pulled away...stupid games, if that is what she is playing then I will play it too and get her wondering rather than me.
She calls me on monday night at like 9pm to see if I wanted to meet up to talk and go to starbucks or something...I didnt answer the phone, that was what was left on my voicemail...I was at home and I live 45min away from her so I knew that it wasnt going to work out...I texted her saying sorry but that I was with friends and couldnt meet otherwise I would of liked to meet ( I know its a game playing thing to do by saying that, but its better than saying hey im at home on the computer) So she said okay, have fun with your friends.
So I was planning on calling her the following day, and she texted me literally right before I was going to call asking how I was and then after I texted back she asked when we are going to get together (to meet up). Friday night, I am hanging out with my friends and I get a text from my ex asking me what time we were suppose to meet on saturday, I told her 5 and she said that she couldnt do that since she has a cheer thing that starts at 4...So she asked if 3pm was fine, I said yes and then one of my friends texted on my phone saying hi (she knows him since he is one of my good friends), she said hi and said to me to come over to chilis and hang out with her and her friend..well we were going into a movie so I had to pass (ahh!)... strange for her to do this, since she hasnt been like this before...
So I saw her saturday and I think it went well. So on my way to meet her at the sandwich shop she gives me a call asking where I was and then saying that she has to leave right at 4pm, I said thats fine and then she said that she has to get ready too so if im fine with it that we could meet at her place I said thats fine and I met her there and we talked at her place rather than going out for food.
The conversation went well and just was all over the place (what she has been up to and what I have been up to type of stuff) we got quiet for a moment and then she asked if I had a girlfriend I said no not right now and she was like oh and then I asked her if she had a boyfriend and she said no...i said a little later that "im kinda enjoying the single life right now" and then she said "I kinda am too"... Well the conversation kept going smooth and she mentioned how she has been worrying about school and who she is going to marry someday and stuff like that..She threw a couple compliments my way and I complimented her a couple times as well...Anyways we finally parted ways, it seemed like she didnt want me to go and I know that she didnt want to go to her cheer thing. She even mentioned when we were leaving that we should hang out again
Jumping now to saturday evening, I had told her I was going to my friend lesleys birthday party in Sacramento while I was at my ex's place talking. So I get a text after my ex's cheer stuff had finished (at 11pm, thats seriously when it ended) saying that it went horrible and asking what I was doing..I told her I was at the drive in...well heres the texts word for word...
Ex:tonight was terrible! what are you doin
Me:Haha, what happened? Im at the drive in
Ex:Id have to tell you in person. Its too hard to text
Me:Ok, well then ill hear about it whenever i c ya. Hope you have a good night ex, it was nice to visit with you today.
Ex:Yea, was it hard for you? Is it hard to be friends?
Me: (I didnt answer...not sure what to say!)
Ex:Im taking that as a yes.
No, sorry im just with friends at the drive in
Ex.Stranded at the drive in, branded a fool. What will they say monday at school. haha gotta love grease
Me: It wasnt hard to c u today. I dont really know what to say tho
Ex:Its okay, no worries. Goodnight
Me:It wasnt hard 4 me to c u and visit an all. was it hard 4 u
Ex:no, I thought it was really nice
Me: same here
Me:goodnight ex. maybe I will c u at church tomorrow
That was it, no more texts...ahhh! I wasnt sure what to say to her about it. I want to say that I still have feelings but it doesnt bother me to see you...I just dont know what to say and I dont want to screw it all up...Im not going to contact her until maybe the end of the week cause I dont want to be pursueing her once again and have her pull away, I want her to know that I am not going to be someone on the side for her. I actually skipped on church because of this. She contacted me on sunday asking about some school stuff, it kinda seemed that she just wanted to know what I was doing but im not sure.
I am in a tough place here, im just not sure what to do.
What should I have said? What can I do now? What should I say if she ask's that question again (is it hard to be friends)?
I am planning on waiting out this week and then calling her to try and set up another lunch (a couple days ahead of time, not the day of).
Sounds like both of you are playing the same game and it is working.
At some point, however, you will have to give her your true feelings because living a lie won't work. And I think she has the same feelings.
If she asks that question again, it will give you a good opportunity to decide whether the start telling her the truth or continue playing games. My general advice is to stop the game plaing as soon as you can. What you are doing now is leading nowhere. She may get a boyfriend.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com