How do I decide to start loving?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I'm not exactly sure what my problem is. I imagine I'm damnably narcissistic. Two years after my first gf broke up with me (after I cheated) I still am getting over it (I hope).
Then 2 months ago, as life was starting to get good, I met L, who reminded me so much of myself back in the days when I was unjaded. But I have a difficult time loving L, who showed me and told me of her love right from the get-go. All she wants is to be loved back. She is really a sweet girl and part of me just wished I could love her. But I have image issues (I feel like I want somebody 'hotter') which is so shallow but it's hard to get over, and I obsess over every cutie walking down the street. I am obsessed with sex. We all know it doesn't really matter.
This girl knows what I am thinking and feeling without me saying a word, even if I try to hide my feelings. She is psychic!! She also has my best interests at heart. Also, even though she's given me every reason to trust her by being open, communicative, affectionate, honest, and simply loving, I feel like I don't want to get too close to my "best friend". Reality is, she is being my best friend. But I don't act like her best friend. I think I am f***ing her up.
It feels so frustrating and painful sometimes like all my skin is burned off my body and she's giving me a hug. It actually hurts to have her love me and I get angry at her and I definitly emotionally abuse her. I tried breaking up with her twice, and then reneged when we both got upset. I know it's selfish, but I would miss her love, and I guess her attention. I do not reciprocate her love and I don't really want to, hypocrite am I.
Sometimes I think she's kind of annoying and I'd rather be alone, but I know those are awful attitudes, and she's just trying to have a good time and she genuinely wants me to be happy. But it's my own bastard problem and I want to drag her down. I'm just like my father.
I'm getting so sick and stressed out by this. She doesn't want me to break up with her... she said it would be taking the easy way out. And she's right. But it doesn't really matter to me at this point in my life. She's a freshman and I'm a junior in college and she distracts me soo much from school, just by my having to think about her all the time. I am an emotionally unstable person when I am in a relationship, nowadays. If this goes on much longer like this (indecisiveness and emotional tension), I am going to have a nervous breakdown. (That's what happened when I cheated on my controlling, unappriciative ex. I hated myself for that too.)
Can I get over image problems? Can I begin to love and accept being loved? Can I live in the moment and not look forward to be conscripted into marriage?
I say to myself, I can work on these relationship issues after I get a degree and a job. I can't multi-task at all with this right now. But this relationship was supposed to be for me to learn how to live again. And I still want out of it. It would be empty feeling...
Help me, please if you can. If all you can say is wtf, then so be it. Say whatever you think, (be honest, unlike me.)
You are very self-aware which should work in your favor.
But, you need to take advantage of your college's mental health unit to find an advisor who can help you sort things out. This is affecting your school work and that in itself is vital for your well being.
Your GF sounds like she wants to "save" you, yet that is beyond her capabilities. You need professional counseling.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com