My Ex Fell Out of Love

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
i have been with my ex for almost 9 years. he left me three times this year because he feels that he has fallen out of love with me. he said that he still cares for me, but there is no love. i can't believe this. i used to get tired of him being so jealous and he didnt trust me. I was the one who worked so hard to remain this relationship with him. When he finally went home to get a job and I was at college, my love for him grew stronger and now I love him so much. But how can he stop loving me? Can he love me back somehow? Advice
A relationship definitely needs both people to actively work on it. It sounds like even though you guys were together for 9 years, that it was mostly because you wanted it to work. You fought for it and kept it going, he didn't trust you, was jealous over you and was generally unhappy. So he didn't like how the relationship went, you loved it and tried to keep it patched up. But that is no way to live and no way for a relationship to thrive and grow.

If he had those sorts of serious trust and jealousy issues, THOSE have to be fixed before anything else can work. Undoubtedly after a while he was just tired of feeling that way and would rather be alone than to be constantly annoyed by those emotions.

I would tell him that you care for him a lot - as a friend, never mind anything else. And that you would like to get some resolution to those sorts of issues. Don't make him commit to "getting back together" or anything else. Just say that you want to work, with his help, on some of the issues you had. Hopefully as a friend he will be quite willing to help.

Then find a therapist that specializes in couples. Have your ex come along with you to be a support and help. And then start talking about the issues you tended to have. When he hears things from this third party, they might make more sense to him - and when he realizes how seriously his mistrust and jealousy had damaged his ability to stay in the relationship, maybe he'll find ways to work through them. But you have to get him talking first.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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