Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
okay.. so this might come out long, but I would really appreciate someone telling me what they think about this whole situation because it's always on my mind.. So please be patient enough to read. Thank you.
okay.. so lets start with Jack. We both met in our sophmore yr in highschool and we were friends for a while. He asked me out on Valentines Day and we really kicked it off. He's an amazing guy, but obviously every relationship has it's conflicts. Anyway.. we were together for a while, but I ended up breaking up with him because I was leaving for the summer to go to Germany where my whole family lives ( I live in California now). We become so close that I got alittle scared and I wanted to just be apart for a while and see where life takes me in the summer. I needed space for a while and I thought it would be fair for him to know that. Anyway, I met a guy in Germany (was my cousin's best friend). For some odd reason.. we really had a strong connection. I met him a long time ago when we were kids too in Germany, but we were young then. He told my cousin he thought I was cute then and I remmeber my cousin telling me that. So, I did already kinda know him and I knew he was interested in me. It's funny because we do have history together because of our family. He's mom used to date my dad when they were teenagers. Well, thats not the point! the point is... we started to spend time to together and we ended up dating. I really had butterflies in my stomach each time we held hands and etc. There's just something about him... the thing that hurt the most is that I knew I had to go back home in 2 months since I live in California. I knew long distance relationships wouldn't work... and if they would then both people need to work hard on it. I asked him one night when we were together and he said he would wait for me. He told me he already did wait for me when I was coming to Germany. So.. I left Germany and that was that. I missed him so much.. we wrote and everything. Unfortunetly, he broke up with me because he wanted to go to Prom with this one girl and he didn't want me to get hurt. He was worried about me though... he even talked to my other cousin about it and told her "I really just wanted to go to prom.. and you know how we do have to have a date and all" She said she understood, but she knew I was upset. It's alittle different in Germany because there you actually do need a date. ANyway.. he dated her for almost a year, but she broke up with him because she found someone new. I'm not sure what the deal was with that. We stopped talking for couple of years since then. So, I went back to school and there.. I had to face my ex. We also had that connection... we decided to be friends but you know how that always turns out. We ended up getting back together and I started to heal from my broken heart from the German guy. Jack was a sweetheart, but we still had our problems though because he did things I didn't like. He spent alot of time with another girl even though they didn't do anything... it still hurt me. He broke up with me afterwards and etc. (very long history). The bottom line is... Jack and I are still together and it's been 4 years now. I do love him very much and he really is my rock and my base. In between, my cousin, Kelly told me the German guy keeps asking how I am and all.. he always tells her to tell me "hello and good thoughts".. that just made me think about him again and I hated that because I really do have a great boyfriend by my side. Yes, we had problems but it made us stronger than before. The german guy wrote me emails and we did communicate as friends. But he did say "when you going to visit again.. and etc etc" Now, the german guy moved to Italy because he had his share of problems back home (having to do with work and all).
So.. they story continues!
I went back to Germany last december for christmas but the german guy wasn't there since he's in italy. My boyfriend stayed back home but we still communicated everyday by internet. I was hanging with my cousin and her cellphone rang and she picked it up and it was the german guy (my ex). He asked if i was there with her and she gave me the phone. I picked up and we just talked.. he called just to talk to me. We talked about random things and my stomach was going crazy. It was so amazing to hear his voice...
I told my cousin that I care deeply for my boyfriend now, but i have some sort of weakness for my ex..
i went back home to the states and after couple of months my ex emailed me again telling me he's sorry he didn't write for a long time and he told me how he's doing and all. Then in the end he said hes going back to germany for a while and he wishes I was there when he went back. He also said he doesn't want such a long time without contact with me... he put "big kisses" and also wrote bye.
I wrote him telling him I do miss him and i think about him a lot and that I do wish I could see him. He wrote back that he always thinks about me too and that he wishes he could just hold me and kiss me...
all this is driving me crazy..
why do I still think about my ex? why do I still care about him so deeply? Is it because I didn't have any closure from the relationship? why is he writing me? does he want me back? Is it possible for us two to have that bond even tho we were separate for 4 years now?.. I hate this feeling because I long to see him as well. In my perfect world.. I wish i did see him to see exactly how he is feeling to sort out my own feelings. I care about two men and I hate that because I'm not a type to hurt anyone... it makes me feel horrible.
Is it possible for my ex to still love me from what I wrote? Should I ask him about us or would I be a fool to do that? what about my boyfriend now? he's amazing.. he even told me he wants to marry me someday.. my goodness. I don't know anymore...

please tell me what you think. Thank you. Thank you so much for reading all this.
Be honest with your thoughts please.. Advice
I'm sorry you are in this situation.

My advice is to be honest with your boyfriend and ask for his help in solving the problem. It will be hurtful for him, but at least you are involving him in the process which is nicer than simply being dumped.

Or perhaps he won't be able to deal with it and he will dump you.

By stretching this out, you are deepening the feelings that your ex and BF are going to suffer depending on who you choose. And don't forget your feelings too.

You should also think about what would happen if you dumped your BF for your ex. The butterflies would eventually go away and then what? Are you sure you are compatible enough for marriage? You don't really know right now. You could end up with neither.

If you have access to a professional therapist I recommend that you see one.
This needs more discussion that can take place through email, of course.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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