Being friends to get back together.
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months. In the beginning we clicked immediately and after never wanting to be in a relationship, I finally found someone I was in love with. Making his friends first priority started to be a problem early on. He has no biological family and his friends are often like a family for him, but it seemed like I was constantly left to feel 'if i have time for you i have time for you' whereas he would make time for his friends every friday saturday at the very least. Jealousy issues came into play & also him not wanting to hang out with me AND his friends, keeping them seperate or not inviting me to parties or places with other friends & gf's.
About 2 months in, due to the circumstances of living in a chaotic, alcholic environment with my mom ( i dont drink/do drugs etc) a violent fight erupted and i stayed at my bf's. We then decided I would move in. It was wonderful at first, I felt we had enough time to see each other now even if it was simply laying next to each other. Eventually we would fight more over me feeling like I wasnt getting enough attention or consideration and the fact that we barely made time to actually make a night to hang out. Like clockwork, this would happen about once a month and it was really taking its toll. It seemed like more & more I would be waiting & relying on him. I would revolve my schedule around his cause otherwise, we wouldnt even hangout. He told me one night how unhappy he was with the way his life was going & I asked if I was part of his unhappiness, he said no and told me I make him so happy. A week later, he inconsiderately failed to let me know he didnt need me to pick him up from work & there I was sitting waiting for him and he already had a ride home. It was just constantly me not being thought of & I got really angry (very common). We got into an argument & finally he blurted out hes not happy with the ' living situation' and hasnt been for months. Over several days I was bawling & couldnt make sense of this all. He wanted me to move out & I had nowhere healthy to go. I felt like he was pulling the rug out from under me.
I packed as much as I could & spent all my mom to cab to my moms who greated me angrily & made me feel like a burden in her house again. I felt unsafe & rejected. He told me he still wanted to date but just couldnt live together & needed space. He "didnt want to be married". He convinced me to come back that same night so I felt safe, but then again the next morning he stuck to his guns & said he couldnt live with me. So AGAIN I packed my things sobbing & went back to my moms. I had said some pretty hurtful things in the packing process & it was really part of feeling utterly worthless & rejected. I stayed with my mom a day or 2 and then my brother moved out with his gf and I went with them. Finally a week after fighting and crying & moving my things back & forth, he tells me he wants to break up and work on being friends. I was heartbroken. He says he can see us being together in the future but needs to figure out his own issues and as do I. I need to depend on him less for my happiness & have my own life. I feel like because I lived there and constantly needed to make time for him in order to even HAVE time with him, that means I built everything around him.
He keeps going back & forth with me. We can still date, i just want to be friends. we can still hang out all the time, we need time apart. we can be good friends with nothing sexual, we need time to even be friends at all. i want to be there for you anytime you need me, when i need him and cry he backs away and doesnt know what to do.
How can I learn to be friends with him when we are both madly in love with each other? And what can I do to better myself & be more independent without sacrificing putting effort into a friendship. I need to stop lashing out at him when I'm angry but I still feel so hurt. What can I do?
It is no wonder that you are suffering... no place to live happily.
If you aren't already working, my advice is to get a job and find a few roomates to share rent with you. By doing this, you will show every one that you are strong and deserve their respect. You also won't be so dependent on your mother or BF.
Your BF needs to mature a lot and, sorry to say, so do you. You are acting like your mother when you are angry so much. It is hard to be different from a parent but you should concentrate on not being so angry. Having a job and independence will help lessen your anger.
Good luck! George
-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com